You Look Like a Moron

Last week I brought you my guide to parenting from a guy without kids. This week it's my guide to fashion from a guy who doesn't know much about fashion. The thing i do know though is how ridiculous some people look today walking around the street. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a weekly guide series.

Now, I hate to be sexist, but this quiz is aimed towards women's fashion since most men just wear jeans and t-shirts and don't look like idiots. But, if your a guy read along, I'm sure you'll like some of the commentary and maybe even agree with a point or two. Also, as a disclaimer, some of the fashions I mention in here don't look bad 100% of the time, but I just see enough people fuck it up that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I'm hating on it here. Basically, some looks only work for certain people and most of the people I see, aren't those people.

I'm going to try to set this up like one of those quizes in one of those crappy magazines, which by the way, if you read one, 5 points to you. Basically, you start with 0 points and add the number of points associated with each item. Then at the end I will generalize you into groups and verbally berate you to varying extents based on my own generalization about how dumb you look. And remember, I may not know anything about fashion, but I do know how you look.

Ugg (ly) Boots - As mentioned in my disclaimer, I have seen like 1 or 2 people actually pull off this look but for the most part you look like a moron in these things. Girls will go on and on about how comfy they are, but that doesn't change how ugly they are (see "Crocs" below). Also, I know I was aiming for women, but if your a guy and you have even thought about man Uggs, 1,000,000 points to you and epic fail.

• 10 points for Ugg Boots. (the slippers are ok unless you wear them out of the house, then 10 points for you too)
• 10 points if you didn't think they were ugly enough already and roll them down.
• 5 points if you do a half ass job tucking your pants into them or only tuck one leg in like gang bang lady from my morning commute.
• 50 points if you've ever worn them with a mini-skirt, even just to win a bet.
• 50 points if they are the kind that look like someone knitted them.
  
• 50 points if they have fur on the outside.
• 100 points if they have 2 hairy balls dangling from them. (for obvious reasons)
  

Crocs - I don't even know what to say about these. If you somehow had a serious momentary lapse in judgement and even tried these on you should ashemed of yourself. If you were dumb enough to buy them after trying them on you are an even bigger idiot. They claim to be good for you and anti-bacterial but seriously, that's the least they can do for you after they put in all those holes to let bacterial shit in in the first place.

• 25 points for even trying them on.
• 75 for owning a pair (yes, if you tried them on before you bought them, that's -100 for you)

Rain Boots/Waders - Nowadays when it rains, it seems like girls have an unspoken competition to see who can wear the most ridiculous looking boots. It started with the rubber boots with sensible designs on them. Then it grew to the same rubber boots but with butt ugly design on them. Now I even see women wearing knee high waders like they are getting ready to go fishing. I used to have a pair of waist high waders when I worked in New Hampshire walking around the marshes killing mosquitoes, but I also left them at work on my rainy days off. Get a clue, you look like a moron.

• 10 points for ugly rain boots.
• 20 points if you bought them at an outdoors store.
• 50 points if you are wearing them and it isn't raining and their is no rain in the forecast.
  

Knee Length Jackets - I don't remember when these became popular, but I know everyone has one now. You know, the puffy jacket that goes down to their ankles. It's really a useless jacket that they charge you more for. In order to be able to walk, there is no zipper from about where a normal jacket would end to the bottom of this extend-o-jacket, which nullifies any excuse for extra warmth. Even without the zipper, these jackets seriously inhibit their wearers. If there was ever a terrorist attack, these people would be the first to go due to their lack of escape speed.

• 10 points for your useless material.
• 10 more points if it's North Face.
• 10 more points if it has a fur lined hood.
• 100 points if there are 2 hairy balls dangling from the drawstrings.

Leggings as Outerwear - Contrary to popular belief, leggings are something I would classify as outerwear. Put it this way, if you were wearing a normal skirt with leggings, and a guy tried to look up it, you would be upset. This in my book is what separates underwear from outerwear. So when did it become ok to wear underwear on the outside?

• 10 points for trying to pass off leggings as pants. Wearing them with a long shirt/short dress counts too since you would not wear said long shirt/short dress without them.
• 20 points if you think leggings are ok to wear to dressy events.

Hats - For the most part, hats are alright, but it's just the impractical/useless ones that catch my attention and piss me off. If the hat has no distinguishable front like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," or doesn't cover your ears or forehead (providing no real warmth) like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," or you hat just looks like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," then you fall into this group.

• 10 points for ugly round "hippie artist hats."
• 10 points if it covers less of your head than a yamaka would.

Accessories - This is where many people go horribly wrong. They think that if they buy fancy (aka expensive) accessories they make their cheap wardrobe look better or classy. Unfortunately, you can't buy class. Just because you saved a few paychecks to buy a $2000 handbag (an ugly one at that) to go with your Wal-Mart wardrobe, doesn't mean you just jumped up the social ladder. Coming back from New York one time, I saw a woman with the following and nearly asked her if she was serious and if anyone actually took her seriously. She was wearing: Coach shoes, Coach scarf, Coach headband, had a Coach bag, and both a Coach and Louis Vuitton key ring.

• 5 points for each item you own from Coach, Louis Vuitton, Vera Bradley, etc. This was aimed at the hoarders, not the people who own 1 or 2 items.
• 20 points if it has oversized logos on the outside that you essentially use as a billboard to announce that you have a designer item.
• 20 points for "hooker hoops." (earings pretty much more than 2 inches in diameter)
• 20 points for oversized sunglasses. Since when did having bug eyes become popular?
  

Other - This is for everything else that doen't really fit into a category above.

• 10 points for using a Victoria's Secret bag to carry anything to work. If you think the bag is necessary to show off to someone that you buy fancy underwear, just sleep with him already. This bag serves no other purpose in the work place and isn't classy. Wouldn't it be awkward if I brought my lunch to work in a porn store bag? Thought so.
• 10 points if you wear high heel shoes, but can't walk in them. Can't walk is defined as any deviation from your normal gait in sneakers.
• 10 if you wear a purse on your elbow and leave your free hand hanging out like, as president Obama would say, a Special Olympian.
  

Now add up all your points and see where your score lands on my handy dandy scoring table below. Remember, this is like golf so don't go thinking your 700 points is a good thing.

0 points - I don't believe you, that's perfect and nobody is perfect.
1 - 100 points - The best anyone can really hope for. You keep expressing your stupidity to a minimum.
101 - 200 points - Not bad, it was a hard test and you probably only do a few things wrong.
201 - 300 points - Now you're pushing it, but if you try real hard you might be able to not look like an idiot someday.
301 - 400 points - To get in this range you had to make some serious mistakes and think they looked good.
401 - 550 points - There is little hope for you as you had to hit most of the big no-no's to do this bad.
551 - 700 points - Somebody torching your closet would be a good thing.
701 or more points - To score this bad you committed almost every offense on the list. Not only do you look like an idiot on any given day, you think you look good simply because you buy everything everyone else does. Despite what you say, most people probably don't take you seriously. Just because it's popular doesn't mean it looks good.

Sorry to anyone I offended, it was all in good fun. But seriously, get rid of the waders.