State of the Nation

John & Kate Plus 8...Divided by 2

2009-11-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

I know it's old news, but John and Kate from the TLC show John and Kate plus 8 getting divorced. So after 5 seasons, the show will be ending in two weeks. I was a big fan of the show when it came out simply because the kids were quite adorable (and anyone who says they wouldn't kidnap Aaden given the chance is clearly lying), but over the course of the 5 seasons, I've noticed many changes in the family, and I'm now kind of glad it will be over. Yes I will miss the kids and their cute interactions but there are several other things I will definitely not miss about the show.

First and foremost on the list of things I now despise about the show is the super bitch herself: Kate. From the very beginning of the series you could tell she was an over-controlling Bitch (with a capital B). I can count on one hand the number of episodes she didn't bitch out John about one trivial thing or another. Whether it was interrupting him and snidely correcting him while in the interview chair, or telling him to do something and promptly yelling at him 5 minutes later for doing what she just told him to do, she did it like a professional asshole. It was so clear so early on that she was such a bitch that I actually predicted by the end of season 1 that they would never make it. My girlfriend can confirm it, but I did say something along the lines of:

"Damn she is such a bitch to him. I bet he sticks around until they're off to college and then he ditches her ass."

We chuckled and continued to watch the series and around season 4 sometime I noticed something that made me think, "Holy shit, I might have been right." It was about a month or two before their relationship problems became public that I noticed that Kate was starting to dress sexier. Not that there is anything wrong with a mom starting to take an interest in herself after her kids are out of the infant stage, but given her nature and the extreme degree of the change I knew something was up. She went from wearing loose, comfortable, very "mom length" shorts, T-shirts (especially that black mom^8 that she wore in like every other episode), and Crocs (we all know my feelings about those abominations) to wearing tight fitting mini dresses (some of which are probably too short for a mom and simply say I'm trying too hard) and heels in every episode, regardless of where they were going. Food shopping? Dress and heels. Beach? Dress and heels. 10 hour car ride for a vacation? You get the point. She was clearly a woman back in the search for a man. The very next week they started airing the commercial for the season 4 finale with Kate saying "I don't know if we're gonna make it." Probably not since you've clearly put yourself back on the market.

Staying on the topic of Kate and my complete contempt of most things out of her mouth, lets talk about the God awful hair cut she's been sporting for the past 2 seasons. Way back at the beginning she had beautiful long blonde hair and it got shorter and shorter every season and ended up with with the ridiculousness we all witnessed in season 4 & 5. I don't know how anyone could believe that combing up the back of your head into some sort of half incomplete looking hairstyle is attractive, but not only can someone believe that, they could also convince Kate that it looked good. All it does is show off her uncolored roots while looking like an epic cowlick from the front. Oddly enough, in one episode she mentioned her eternal dislike of Joel's daily cowlick. Are you starting to see the duplicity she spit out for 5 seasons?

The last part in this 3 part series known as "I hate Kate," was her over excitement to push organic food. While in the interview chair with the producers she would go out of her way to point out that she fed her kids organic food. It was always organic this and organic that, and I got completely fed up with it one time when she used the word organic 3 times in one sentence. She even had her kids (the older ones anyways) brainwashed to the point where they thought then needed vitamins when they went away and wouldn't be eating organic. It pissed me off that she thought she was better than the rest of us who don't eat organic food and made it a point to advertise her superiority over us whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Then Christmas came early for me this summer when European researchers released research that showed there is no significant nutritional difference between organic food and conventionally grown food. (Google it, there's plenty of sources). It made me want to bang on her door and rub it in her face, "Hey, guess what, you're not better than me because you spend 10 bucks for a head of lettuce." Christmas in July, it was fabulous.

Now, I'm not gonna let John off the hook that easily. I didn't really have a problem with anything he did on a regular basis during the 5 season of the show and was actually a big fan of his the few times he stood up to Kate for bitching him out in public. Even when everyone was throwing him under the bus during the divorce because he was running around with 20 year olds, I was still not completely against him. Could he have handled the divorce better? Yes, but after 5 years of raising 8 kids with a super nag for a wife, what guy isn't going to get the hell out of dodge as fast as he can. On the other hand as well, all of American saw what a bitch Kate was and what a laid back and relaxed guy John was, so of course women are flocking to single John faster that men are flocking to single Kate. Men across America know what they are in for if they get involved with Kate, and seriously who would want that. However, even in my good graces, John found a way to be a dumb ass and piss me off too.

Penelty - dumb ass for penalty.

Aside from the stunning grammar in your sign, let me see if I've got this right. You break your filming contract with TLC and run away to New York so you can have nothing to do with your bitch of an ex wife, and then have the balls to turn around and say they can film the show anymore? What a douche. For 5 years you and your family got more free handouts from resorts and tourist destinations, because of your show, than the Make-A-Wish foundation could ever dream of, but now that you're divorced and not getting the freebies yourself, you claim the show isn't healthy for the kids. Right. Get your head out of your pompous ass and learn how to spell penalty, dumb ass.

The last thing I won't miss about the show is the super bratty, soon to be bitchy, attitude of Mady, one of the older twins. She is clearly following in her mother's footsteps and throws one hell of a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. She needs a good smack to the backside and to learn that most families can only dream of the treatment they get. Speaking of privilege, I hope they realize how well they've had it, all because of this TV show. Without the show, nobody would know who they are; they wouldn't be getting free invites to Taos for a week of skiing or an invite from Disney world to come meet the entire cast of actors, or any number of the private tours and attention their family has received. Would I like to spend a day skiing in Utah with a local pro? Hell yes. Is it ever gonna happen? Not unless I have 10 kids and a TV show.

It's truly sad to see just how much they have gotten simply because they have their own TV show, and don't even realize how lucky they are. Hopefully they'll figure it out once the show is over.

Gate/Crowley; Not For the Extremely Liberal

2009-08-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. All I can say is wow in regards to the past couple weeks and the media storm regarding the Gates/Crowley incident. I find it amazing that a silly little disorderly conduct arrest in little ol' Cambridge can bring out the idiot in everyone, and I mean fucking everyone (read: the President). Let me digress for a moment and issue a disclaimer: no matter how I write this, someone is gonna think I'm a racist...deal with it. The only racist in this whole thing was Gates, who is convinced the the white man has nothing better to do than arrest black people. Here is my take on the whole situation giving you the officer/community safety side, not the media's lets start a race war point of view.

Lets start from the beginning with the clueless woman who called 911. Like the fine citizen she is, she saw 2 men acting suspiciously and attempting to force their way into a residence. Once the 911 tapes were released they revealed 2 key facts: firstly, she is truly a babbling idiot who probably wouldn't recognize her asshole from her elbow and secondly, that she clearly states that one of the men is "possibly hispanic," which ironically leads back to point one. The thing that bugs me is she still claims she never mentioned race in her phone call, which is an obvious lie, but at a recent press conference the media thought asking dull, meaningless questions would make better news. If I was there, I'd be sitting in the front row and would call her out on the first question: "So when you said one of the suspects was 'possibly hispanic,' you didn't mention race?" Yeah, sit down bitch, I wouldn't invited you to the beer summit either. The other thing that got me about this "possibly hispanic" thing is the fact that Gates is black as night. I mean, I could describe him as black from a mile away, nevermind the curb 50 from his house. Enjoy your 5 minutes of fame cause now everyone realizes what a complete moron you are.

This is where your education begins, because an officer acting with his personal safety in mind doesn't make as good a news story as a racist cop does. Officer pulls up, but doesn't see anyone outside the house. he has no idea if they have weapons or if they are even still on scene thanks to the brilliant 911 call outlined earlier. So the officer investigates the premises and finds Gates, but he's still not out of the woods yet because: he could one of the 2 "robbers," or the 2 "robbers" could still be in the house. I'm going to assume by the outcome, that Crowley treated him like a suspect. This obviously elicited the racist accusations because clearly black people don't commit crimes (walk alone through Roxbury at night if you believe that). But, we're not just talking about any black man here, we're talking about a privileged one; and we all know with privilege comes a serious stream of f-bombs and mother-f's for any law enforcement official who gets in the way of that privilege. Thus the reason he was arrested for disorderly conduct.

Let me reiterate, he was arrested for DISORDERLY CONDUCT not attempted b&e or b&e. All he had to do was produce positive ID, but because of his "dignity," had to play the race card first. It had nothing to do with being white, black or possibly hispanic, it had everything to do with acting like a pompous and entitled asshole.

Now, I don't even want to try to guess the number of black people arrested everyday for disorderly conduct in the entire United States, but for the sake of argument lets lowball it and say it's one. That's still 180 other black people Captain Dipshit Obama didn't give a shit about, but he somehow decides this is a great time for a great quote. "I don't have all the facts..." whoa, stop right there and shut the fuck up "...the Cambridge police..." it's your grave moron "...acted stupidly." Republicans already don't like you and you just managed to drop the jaws of most of the Democrats that do like you. Anytime (especially as president) you start a sentence with the words I don't have all the facts you know it's gonna be an MBTA train wreck at best and a Titanic-esque disaster at worst. To top it off, you are cluelessly commenting on a local police issue in a city that probably 85% of America doesn't even know where it is.

The solution to all this, besides backpedaling like a mo-fo and getting back to president stuff like nukes in Korea, make a bigger deal out of nothing and have them over for a beer. Great idea until he realizes:

But now I need to pick a beer to drink so all the papers can run it on the cover. I know, I'll go with something American like Bud Light so I look good.

Only problem is that the only people who drink Bud Light is cheap alcoholics and college who found some extra cash on a Friday night and decided to upgrade from Natty Ice for the evening. You know it was a dumb idea when even the astute reporters of a free newspaper (the Metro) call you out on your fake choice. Gates wasn't far behind with his choice of Red Stripe, anything else someone would accuse him of being and Oreo (black on the outside, white on the inside) so it wasn't really a choice as much as it was a requirement.

At some point during the media frenzy I heard some nit-wit reporter, pretending to be unbiased, use a statistic that 7 times as many blacks are locked up in jail as white guys, and determined that cops are clearly racist. I hate this stat because anyone who tries to defend it or explain it is automatically a racist, but has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe 7 times as many black people as white people commit crimes. Holy shit, I think I'm onto something, and hell, I'll even take this one step further. Maybe 7 times as many black people commit crimes because there are 7 times as many black people living in poor neighborhoods where more crime tends to occur. Oh damn, I'm raining all over their parade. Take a stroll through any rough or high crime neighborhood and I'm fairly certain you will find more black people, along with other minorities there than white people. The schools in these areas aren't as good as schools in better neighborhoods, resulting in fewer opportunities and making it more likely for kids to turn to crime in these neighborhoods. In 4 years at Wentworth I received numerous safety alerts abouts muggins and robberies on and around campus. In those 4 years not a single one involved white suspects, go figure we were on the edge of several housing projects and high crime neighborhoods.I'm not saying racist cops don't exist, but I'm also not saying every black guy is innocent, the truth is somewhere in the middle. It's not rocket science folks, it just doesn't make as good a news story.

Moral of the story, sound like you have a clue when you call 911 because those calls actually are recorded.

Where Have I Been All Your Life

2009-07-13T00:52:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering where I've been or why I haven't posted in almost 2 months, and I assure you I have a pretty good reason. That reason being that I've been promoted to dispatcher at work and have been training so I no longer have my Sunday morning writing sessions. I also moved into my own apartment in Malden, so that has been taking up a lot of my free time outside of work. Believe me, there has been no shortage of things to write about recently and it was practically killing me that I just couldn't find the time to share my "unique" perspectives with you. I still have at least 3 weeks of training left, but the good news is once I am on my own I should be able to find time during my shift (most likely overnights) to write, especially given my new source of material...phone calls with drunk college kids on a recorded phone line.

A few of the things I wanted to blog about but lacked time to put some thoughts together:

2 weeks short of the 1 year anniversary of my appendectomy I am finally done dealing with Brigham & Women's Hospital. I finally convinced the collection agency that the only way they would get their money was to bill the state and I was ready to take them to court to prove this.
I realized how many dumb, naive Americans actually believed a greedy, power hungry dictator would hold a legitimate election.
I realized that North Korea hasn't learned from Japan's mistakes and is flirting with disaster. You don't mess with Hawaii.
I realized that people only pretend to care about Iran and North Korea so their followers on Twitter think they are cool. When people like MJ die that is far trendier than petty things like human rights and nuclear war.
Lastly, I remembered how much I miss writing this stuff and will be back as soon as I can.

Update On What's Wrong With America

2009-05-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

I posted earlier (here) about how some rich, elitist snob nearly ran down a state trooper who asked her to move her Mercedes from a bus lane at Logan Airport and then fled the scene.

Well I have an update. Just read this article and sure as shit, I was right. Being rich does have it perks, she hired some big wig lawyer and got a nice deal involving an "apology" and 200 hours of community service. And don't let these harsh terms fool you, what this really means is to publicly read a letter someone else wrote for you and you don't sincerely mean and then spend 200 hours with the gardening housewives at your local country club.

The best part is, because she admitted she was fucked by a preponderance of evidence, the DA decided to be a nice guy and drop the felony A&B with a deadly weapon charge. I encourage any of you average people out there to run down a trooper and try to beat the felony charge. Let me know how that goes.

How to Fix the Economy, Crime Rates & Prison Overcrowding

2009-04-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

Two words: Arena Deathmatch. Imagine a stadium full of people watch 20 or so guys just totally going at it. How awesome would that be? And if implemented properly it would be more entertaining than reality TV and fix all the problems listed in the title. Here's how you do it.

It starts with a single form of punishment for all crimes: death by Arena Deathmatch. From rape and murder all the way down to shoplifting, if you do it, you're gonna have to slug it out in front of a sold out stadium. Seriously, does the risk of getting caught outweigh the benefit of swiping that pack of tube socks? I didn't think so. While this new form of punishment won't signifigantly effect murder rates it will reduce the number mid level crimes where a death sentence isn't typical. Stealing a car to sell to a chop shop isn't so lucrative when the punishment is death as opposed to a short stint in jail, or better yet, probation.

Now on to prison overcrowding. Won't be an issue when you send them out into the arena to fight each other to the death. Then it's time to start preparing the next batch of criminals. To make things even more exciting come fight night, you could broadcast training sessions, documentaries, or even previous Arena Deathmatches on the prison TV's. When the prison starts filling up again you know it's time for another main event.

Here's the best part: you sell tickets to the main event and/or broadcast it on Pay Per View. I know this will work because were sick Americans and can't get enough of our crappy "reality" TV. Most Americans will be popping boners when they hear about this and will probably sell out fast than a Red Sox vs. Yankees playoff game. Shows like Survivor, American Idol, the Celebrity Apprentice and Big Brother couldn't even compare to an Arena Deathmatch.

Now for all the little details. On fight night you can have several less exciting events leading up to the main event. Maybe like a woman's deathmatch, a misdemeanor deathmatch, a juvenile deathmatch etc. all leading up to the main murder's death match. You could also have themed deathmates or give some of the prisoners weapons to really spice things up. And the winners move on to the next fight, kind of like the gladiators of back in the day.

Seriously though, the alliances of new guys banding together to kill the guy who's won the past 3 fights and subsequent back stabbing to follow will be way better than anything Survivor could offer. Arena Deathmatches would put the man soap opera known as the WWF/WWE/whatever it's called now out of business. Less crime and more entertainment, it's really a win-win for the American people.

P.S. I know I capitalized Arena Deathmatch throughout my post. That's beacuse they are so awesome.

Kids Today Are Still Sissies

2009-04-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

One month ago, I wrote about how kids today are becoming bigger and bigger sissies (here). So today I find this article (here) on-line about parents who want the governemt to regulate cheerleading. I only got as far as the 3rd paragraph before I got too pissed off at these people because they are so ass backwards. Here it is in all it's glory.

Chang’s family worked with state Representative Peter J. Koutoujian to file a bill in the Legislature this year that would create a committee that could recommend ways to make cheerleading less dangerous. Last fall, the mother of Ashley Burns, a Medford 14-year-old who died in a 2005 cheerleading accident, filed a lawsuit in her death. In addition to seeking damages, Ruth Burns is also asking a judge to force national groups that sanction cheerleading competitions and oversee the sport to adopt more stringent safety rules.

They don't just want legislation, but because this is America, a lawsuit has obviously been filed. Who the fuck are you gonna sue? Isaac Newton for inventing gravity? The other teenagers who didn't catch her? How about yourself for not realizing an activity (that's right, not a sport) where your little girl gets tossed into the air and hopes a bunch of other immature teenagers catch her could possibly be dangerous?

The government doesn't regulate youth football or hockey or lacrosse or boxing or even sledding (yet). Reason being that the parents who allow their kids to play these sports know that while they're 99.9999% safe, there is a chance that their kid could be that 0.0001%. Sorry Ms. Chang, remove head from ass and stop trying to blame other people and get rich quick.

FML, Every Day

2009-04-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

So I know I teased you all a few months ago with a post about all the degenerates I on my commute on a daily basis, and luckily for you I finally got around to writing it. Just as a little background, here is a map of the commuter rail system. I ride the Providence line to and from Attleboro, but may be referencing some other stations along the way, so just take a minute to check out the map so you know what I'm talking about.

So the first losers I see every morning are a husband and wife duo. I usually wait in my car for the train to arrive at the station and see these 2 arrive every morning. Being only the 2nd train of the morning, the parking lot is nearly empty so these typically park in 1 of a few of their "usual spots." However, every morning, they get out of their car and look for the spot number so they can pay their parking fee. It took me about 2 weeks to remember the spot numbers that I typically park in but I have seen these 2 idiots check the spot number every day for months. It gets really entertaining when there is sand on the ground from a recent snow and they can't find the spot number. They look lost like you wouldn't believe.

The other thing that really bothers me about this couple is the wife. The husband seems like your average lawyer or office type but she seems like such a flake, and I'm basing this solely on the way I see her walk around the parking lot. She also has the butch lesbian type haircut. Not that there's anything wrong with butch lesbians, it's just that look only works for certain kinds of people and she isn't one of them. I am also occasionally treated to mornings when it's just her taking the train. Being a flakey woman, she's not the best driver and usually has some difficulty parking. Then she locks her car to go pay her parking fee, comes back to get her stuff, then locks back up to go wait in the station. What's wrong with this you may ask? Two things:

She could save herself a trip back and forth to her car by getting her shit together then going to pay for parking.
It's 5:40 in the morning. When I go to pay for my parking, not only do I leave my car unlocked because it's only 50 feet away, I leave the keys in the ignition because I leave the engine running. This lady has some paranoia issues.

Next up is this old lady with some sort of minor disability and waddles instead of walks. Normally I wouldn't make fun of an old lady who waddles but in this case it's deserved. You see, despite her slow speed, she insists on being one of the first on and off the train, slowing down everyone behind her. It's like people paying with cash on the Green Line who push and shove to be the first one on the train. They're all in a big hurry to slow everyone down.

On some occasions, I have the pleasure to see "I need and comb lady." Not much to say about her, just the fact that she thinks the I just rolled out of bed look is a good one. False.
This next winner gets on at Sharon and gets up at Ruggles so he can be the absolute first off at Back Bay. He then runs up the stairs and down to the Orange Line platform. I on the other hand, sit until we arrive at Back Bay, walk with the mob up the stairs and down to the Orange Line platform and still manage to catch the same train as this dweeb. You see, this early in the morning, the Orange Line is still exactly on schedule so that means the train comes at same time every morning, regardless of whether or not you run like a moron. The kicker is he looks like this:Regardless of the weather, he is bundled up in his hooded North Face jacket. Doesn't matter if it's snowing, raining, windy or beautiful; if it's under 45 degrees he's ready for nuclear winter.

Haha, now on to the part I'm sure you've all been waiting for, "gang bang lady." For those who missed the twitter post, on a daily basis this woman appears on the Orange Line platform like, you guessed it, she just got out of a gang bang.

The abused looking hag on the right is Gang Bang Lady

As you can see, this woman is easily 50 despite her attempts to "buy youth." Her signature look is one pant leg tucked into her furry, almost knee high boot, while the other is only half tucked in and all disheveled. Other things that bother me about her are:

Her hair just simply pisses me off.
On any given day she's carrying a minimum of 3 bags, sometimes 4, in addition to that fucking cup of coffee. One of these days she's going to drop something and it's going to be a yard sale all over the platform.
Those earmuffs are even uglier in person.
She wears her ID on lanyard that says "U.S. Government," like working for the government is something to be proud of in these times. All that tells people is you probably don't pay taxes.

I wish I had a better picture because she really is a walking joke and this picture hardly does justice.

One bright side to my wait for the Orange Line is this cutie who takes the same commuter rail train and waits nearby on the platform for the Orange Line. No picture of her simply because if someone sees you taking a picture of gang bang lady they'll just laugh but if they catch me taking a picture of a cute young girl I'll probably get arrested.

That about does it for the morning commute. The afternoon commute is far less exciting as I sit with he same group of regulars and talk about this and that. I will say however, there are several morons who get up at Mansfield and even Sharon just to be one of the first ones off at Attleboro. And of course, they're in a big hurry to go nowhere once they're off the train and just hold everyone up. I really do hate some of the inbred morons I'm forced to commute with.

BOOM! Head Shot!!!!

2009-04-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

So I was going to wait until the weekend to write about the whole pirate hostage situation, but the the U.S. Navy had to get all head shot crazy. Ironically, I was going to write that my solution to piracy in the area would be to place a team of Navy SEALS on ships and actually try to get hijacked. Once the pirates were on board, the SEALS could waste them and toss their bodies overboard. The pirates' numbers would drop faster than they could recruit kids to "mysteriously disappear at sea." But oh well, the real world beat me to my story.

This is honestly like something out of a video game. As the destroyer is towing the life raft (at the pirates request) to calmer waters, they slowly reeled them in until the 3 SEAL snipers were able to splatter the brain matter of 3 pirates (the 4th was on board the destroyer for medical attention because he got a boo boo) all over the Gulf of Aden. While this is the most bad ass thing since we rolled through the sandbox known as Iraq in like 3 days, they made one small mistake, they let the 4th pirate survive. They should have shot him and tossed his corpse overboard to join his friends.

As soon as I heard the news, I knew democrats all over the place would come out of the woodwork and protest that the pirates didn't get a fair trial. Now, because of the Navy's mistake and not killing the 4th pirate, everyone is arguing where he should be tried (it's a big FBI vs. CIA pissing match kinda thing). This is the problem with the hardcore lefties, they think everyone should get a trial. First off, he's not a U.S. citizen so don't tell me he gets one just because it's in our Constitution. Between what happened to his buddies and his home country's legal system, this guy should be thankful he's still alive right now. Second off, he was on the fucking life raft with them, how much more guilty does he get. If I was on that destroyer, I would have tried, convicted and sentenced him, then told the media that 4 snipers blew away 4 pirates on the life raft.

In honor of this bad ass-ness, I think a new video game is in order: Call of Duty 6 Modern Warfare 2. It could involve U.S. special forces doing all sorts of bad ass tactical missions in the Gulf of Aden, Somalia, and even North Korea. Mission 1 would clearly involve wasting 3 pirates in a life raft at 90 yards, at night, on rough seas (if that isn't bad ass I don't know what is) and then running to the medical bay and knifing the 4th guy. Mission complete when his body hits the water.

The MBTA, Everyone's Favorite

2009-04-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

I know, for a fact, that you have all heard about the service cuts threatened by the MBTA if they don't receive money help from the state. When things like this happen, everyone has an opinion too, usually based on their own interests, but not always. So here's my take on the whole situation, doing my best to talk about all aspects of the proposed cuts, not just those that directly effect me.

Now to toot my own horn for a second, not only do I read the news about the MBTA, I also frequent a forum dedicated to MBTA Operations. Members include frequent passengers, railfans, MBTA employees, and other railraod employees alike. So while the biased Herald and Globe write stories to sell papers, this forum discusses the reasons things are done a certain way. Now on to the bashing, (or applauding, in some cases) of the MBTA.

The MBTA plans to eliminated all (304) Customer Service Agents in all subway stations. I'm mostly for this move except that the one useful thing CSA's do is prevent fare evasion. Other than that, all these overpaid, under educated workers do is coddle dumb ass tourists who are too stupid to read a map or figure out the fare vending machines. If you can't figure out that the Museum of Fine Arts stop on the Green Line lets you off at the MFA or figure out a vending machine that has fewer choices than a soda machine, you probably shouldn't be wandering around the city alone anyways. Unfortunately for you, the T plans to get rid of these high school educated hand holders who make $19.10 per hour (source) in order to save $18.5 million a year.

Something the MBTA should eliminate, but didn't appear in their proposal, is train attendants. These are the 2nd employee that ride in the 4th car of Red and Orange line trains, for the sole purpose of opening the doors. Unfortunately, they are union workers and are quite safe in their $19.34/hr job. According to some employees on the forum, their job helps maintain safety on the train. However, they are not police officers and I feel fairly safe betting money that if I were getting mugged they would not leave their little cockpit to come save me. Besides, a union worker doing something not in their contract? Funny.

Other systems both in the US and abroad have proved that a single operator can safely handle a train. Even our own Blue Line uses a series of mirrors and cameras to allow the single operator to view the entire platform. Overseas, several transit systems even use automated trains, without any on board human operator. Why is Boston so behind the times?

The T plans on removing several stations from the B & C Green Line routes. All I have to say is about time. Yes BU gives a lot of money to the city, but they don't need so many Green Line stops that their students at BU East can piss on their students a BU central. In these areas, stops are literally only a block and a half apart. This leads to all the congestion in the Green Line central subway (Copley to Government Center) where all 4 lines converge and is the root cause of all the service irregularities on the Green Line. Fewer stations will require fewer trains for equal service, thus lightening the load on the central subway and increasing Green Line overall service.

The T plans to eliminate E trains on the Green Line during the weekends. Apparently, Northeastern doesn't give the city as much money as BU and will have to forgo subway service on the weekends. This idea is just absurd. The 2 largest weekend tourist attractions in the entire city are on the E (Prudential Center and Museum of Fine Arts). This alone makes the idea ludicrous, but don't forget the 2 colleges and numerous residents of Mission Hill and Jamaica Plains who have been getting shit on by the MBTA since they "suspended" Green Line service to Forest Hills 25 years ago. The proposal also plans to shorten the route even more, turning trains at Brigham Circle during the week. nothing say fuck you to residents of Jamaica Plains like a good old 25 year ass pounding. Not to mention the 39 bus will probably be one of the routes canceled as "redundant" as it parallels the entire E branch, or what's left.

The T plans to eliminate all commuter rail trains on weekends and after 7pm during the week. This is just nucking futs. I guess it's how they plan on dealing with the fact that tourists will be hard pressed to get to the Pru on the weekend...just don't let them in at all. On rare occasions I take the 7pm train home from work, and it's 7 double deckers are all full. Providence trains are quite full until 9-10pm every night (seeing as they connect 2 state capitals) and I'd imagine the other lines still have decent ridership until at least 8pm. 7pm is simply too early to stop service and all this will do is force so many commuters off the train for fear of working late and not getting home that ridership will tumble until the entire MBCR collapses.

In addition to all these cuts, the T plans a 50% cut in all off hour and all weekend service across all modes of transportation. Imagine waiting 2 hours for a bus, the MBTA plans to make it a reality for you. This proposal would cripple the city of Boston. Business would relocate outside the city so their employees would be able to get to work. Rush hour traffic would worsen exponentially as more people would drive into the city. Tourism would go out the window as the tourist would have no way to get here and no way to get around once they did. Crowds after games at Fenway and the Garden would turn riotous as they attempt to pack onto trains and buses for fear of waiting another 40 minutes for the next one. All these reasons, and specualtion from several insiders lead me to believe this is all just a scare tactic by the MBTA to force the city and state to help with their financial trouble or lose millions of their own from businesses and tourism. I hope I'm right.

The underlying problem for all this mess? Look in the mirror, it's you! People do something stupid and get hurt on a train or bus, what do they do? They sue and force the MBTA to spend huge amounts of money on insurance and in addition make America home of one of the most regulated railroad countries in the world. Disabled? Instead of using The Ride (an MBTA service specifically for elderly and disabled residents) they force the MBTA to spend billions on new equipment and installing and elevator in every subway station in Boston, regardless of surrounding landmarks like the Old South Church. I'm not saying the T wasn't mismanaged, because it certainly was and is, but society also needs to suck it the fuck up and walk the extra block to get to their subway stop.

Here's What's Wrong With Society

2009-04-01T05:06:00.000-07:00

Pick up any paper today and you will find a story about woman who basically ran down a state trooper at Logan Airport and fled the scene. Now you might think he was trying to arrest her for some serious crime and she was just trying to escape, but you would be wrong, he was simply asking her to move out of the bus lane since she was not driving a bus. She was later pulled over on the Mass Pike and claimed that she wasn't even at Logan, despite the trooper's hand prints on her fucking hood. This isn't even the best part yet, the woman smelled like alcohol, had a cup in the console that smelled like alcohol but police couldn't test her sobriety because she wasn't slurring her words and they didn't have probable cause.

Now, I'm all for keeping innocent people out of jail but this is where the hardcore, do-no-wrong liberals start to piss me off, when they start giving the obvious bad guys too many rights. If they smell like booze, have an open container in the console that smells like booze, and just ran down a state trooper, I think that should qualify as probable cause to test her sobriety and/or BAC.

Now enter rich asshole 'entitlement.' I didn't mention it before because this lady made a big enough ass out of herself, but she was driving a Mercedez-Benz SUV and is high profile portfolio manager at some big financial company. Obviously that makes her more important than you or me and entitles her to wait in the bus lane for her husband and entitles her to drink and drive.

The sad part is that she'll hire some big expensive lawyer and somehow manage to get away with this, despite the bus full of witnesses waiting behind her to vacate the bus lane. Several of the articles also quote her attorney as saying "there are two sides to every story," although they won't tell us this "other side" or explain the hand prints on the hood.

Sometimes I wish was rich so I could get away with petty annoyances like standing in a bus lane or running over obstructions in the road like state troopers.

Update here

You Look Like a Moron

2009-03-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

Last week I brought you my guide to parenting from a guy without kids. This week it's my guide to fashion from a guy who doesn't know much about fashion. The thing i do know though is how ridiculous some people look today walking around the street. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a weekly guide series.

Now, I hate to be sexist, but this quiz is aimed towards women's fashion since most men just wear jeans and t-shirts and don't look like idiots. But, if your a guy read along, I'm sure you'll like some of the commentary and maybe even agree with a point or two. Also, as a disclaimer, some of the fashions I mention in here don't look bad 100% of the time, but I just see enough people fuck it up that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I'm hating on it here. Basically, some looks only work for certain people and most of the people I see, aren't those people.

I'm going to try to set this up like one of those quizes in one of those crappy magazines, which by the way, if you read one, 5 points to you. Basically, you start with 0 points and add the number of points associated with each item. Then at the end I will generalize you into groups and verbally berate you to varying extents based on my own generalization about how dumb you look. And remember, I may not know anything about fashion, but I do know how you look.

Ugg (ly) Boots - As mentioned in my disclaimer, I have seen like 1 or 2 people actually pull off this look but for the most part you look like a moron in these things. Girls will go on and on about how comfy they are, but that doesn't change how ugly they are (see "Crocs" below). Also, I know I was aiming for women, but if your a guy and you have even thought about man Uggs, 1,000,000 points to you and epic fail.

10 points for Ugg Boots. (the slippers are ok unless you wear them out of the house, then 10 points for you too)
10 points if you didn't think they were ugly enough already and roll them down.
5 points if you do a half ass job tucking your pants into them or only tuck one leg in like gang bang lady from my morning commute.
50 points if you've ever worn them with a mini-skirt, even just to win a bet.
50 points if they are the kind that look like someone knitted them.
50 points if they have fur on the outside.
100 points if they have 2 hairy balls dangling from them. (for obvious reasons)

Crocs - I don't even know what to say about these. If you somehow had a serious momentary lapse in judgement and even tried these on you should ashemed of yourself. If you were dumb enough to buy them after trying them on you are an even bigger idiot. They claim to be good for you and anti-bacterial but seriously, that's the least they can do for you after they put in all those holes to let bacterial shit in in the first place.

25 points for even trying them on.
75 for owning a pair (yes, if you tried them on before you bought them, that's -100 for you)

Rain Boots/Waders - Nowadays when it rains, it seems like girls have an unspoken competition to see who can wear the most ridiculous looking boots. It started with the rubber boots with sensible designs on them. Then it grew to the same rubber boots but with butt ugly design on them. Now I even see women wearing knee high waders like they are getting ready to go fishing. I used to have a pair of waist high waders when I worked in New Hampshire walking around the marshes killing mosquitoes, but I also left them at work on my rainy days off. Get a clue, you look like a moron.

10 points for ugly rain boots.
20 points if you bought them at an outdoors store.
50 points if you are wearing them and it isn't raining and their is no rain in the forecast.

Knee Length Jackets - I don't remember when these became popular, but I know everyone has one now. You know, the puffy jacket that goes down to their ankles. It's really a useless jacket that they charge you more for. In order to be able to walk, there is no zipper from about where a normal jacket would end to the bottom of this extend-o-jacket, which nullifies any excuse for extra warmth. Even without the zipper, these jackets seriously inhibit their wearers. If there was ever a terrorist attack, these people would be the first to go due to their lack of escape speed.

10 points for your useless material.
10 more points if it's North Face.
10 more points if it has a fur lined hood.
100 points if there are 2 hairy balls dangling from the drawstrings.

Leggings as Outerwear - Contrary to popular belief, leggings are something I would classify as outerwear. Put it this way, if you were wearing a normal skirt with leggings, and a guy tried to look up it, you would be upset. This in my book is what separates underwear from outerwear. So when did it become ok to wear underwear on the outside?

10 points for trying to pass off leggings as pants. Wearing them with a long shirt/short dress counts too since you would not wear said long shirt/short dress without them.
20 points if you think leggings are ok to wear to dressy events.

Hats - For the most part, hats are alright, but it's just the impractical/useless ones that catch my attention and piss me off. If the hat has no distinguishable front like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," or doesn't cover your ears or forehead (providing no real warmth) like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," or you hat just looks like those ugly round "hippie artist hats," then you fall into this group.

10 points for ugly round "hippie artist hats."
10 points if it covers less of your head than a yamaka would.

Accessories - This is where many people go horribly wrong. They think that if they buy fancy (aka expensive) accessories they make their cheap wardrobe look better or classy. Unfortunately, you can't buy class. Just because you saved a few paychecks to buy a $2000 handbag (an ugly one at that) to go with your Wal-Mart wardrobe, doesn't mean you just jumped up the social ladder. Coming back from New York one time, I saw a woman with the following and nearly asked her if she was serious and if anyone actually took her seriously. She was wearing: Coach shoes, Coach scarf, Coach headband, had a Coach bag, and both a Coach and Louis Vuitton key ring.

5 points for each item you own from Coach, Louis Vuitton, Vera Bradley, etc. This was aimed at the hoarders, not the people who own 1 or 2 items.
20 points if it has oversized logos on the outside that you essentially use as a billboard to announce that you have a designer item.
20 points for "hooker hoops." (earings pretty much more than 2 inches in diameter)
20 points for oversized sunglasses. Since when did having bug eyes become popular?

Other - This is for everything else that doen't really fit into a category above.

10 points for using a Victoria's Secret bag to carry anything to work. If you think the bag is necessary to show off to someone that you buy fancy underwear, just sleep with him already. This bag serves no other purpose in the work place and isn't classy. Wouldn't it be awkward if I brought my lunch to work in a porn store bag? Thought so.
10 points if you wear high heel shoes, but can't walk in them. Can't walk is defined as any deviation from your normal gait in sneakers.
10 if you wear a purse on your elbow and leave your free hand hanging out like, as president Obama would say, a Special Olympian.

Now add up all your points and see where your score lands on my handy dandy scoring table below. Remember, this is like golf so don't go thinking your 700 points is a good thing.

0 points - I don't believe you, that's perfect and nobody is perfect.
1 - 100 points - The best anyone can really hope for. You keep expressing your stupidity to a minimum.
101 - 200 points - Not bad, it was a hard test and you probably only do a few things wrong.
201 - 300 points - Now you're pushing it, but if you try real hard you might be able to not look like an idiot someday.
301 - 400 points - To get in this range you had to make some serious mistakes and think they looked good.
401 - 550 points - There is little hope for you as you had to hit most of the big no-no's to do this bad.
551 - 700 points - Somebody torching your closet would be a good thing.
701 or more points - To score this bad you committed almost every offense on the list. Not only do you look like an idiot on any given day, you think you look good simply because you buy everything everyone else does. Despite what you say, most people probably don't take you seriously. Just because it's popular doesn't mean it looks good.

Sorry to anyone I offended, it was all in good fun. But seriously, get rid of the waders.

I Don't Even Know What To Call This Shitshow

2009-03-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you who were unaware, I had an emergency appendectomy last summer. It was kinda cool because I got to ride in the WIT Police Dodge Charger with the lights and sirens on as we bombed down Hutington Ave. with no traffic. The part that wasn't cool was the billing system and the incompetence of the department that rivals that of executives at places like AIG, and how I am still dealing with these morons as the attempt to extort money from me. Here is the time line of events for the whole debacle, to the best of my memory.

July 1, 3:00 am - Transported to Brigham and Women's Hospital with severe abdominal pain. Coolest 5 minute car ride of my life.

July 1, 11:00 am - Surgery to remove jihadist Appendix. Doctor says I only had an hour or so before it detonated.

July 2, 1:00 pm - Released from hospital with a healthy supply of happy pills.

July 3 - Call Amtrak for refund of ticket dated July 1 because I was clearly in the hospital and not on the train. Refunded no problem without even requiring proof of hospitalization.

August 13 - Begin receiving notices from Consolidated Health Plans (the shitty health insurance company provided by WIT to cover me from my 21st birthday until graduation) that they will contribute to the bills for the various doctors and prescriptions. Also begin receiving bills from BWH for the amounts not covered (co-pays) by CHP.

September 2 - Receive notice from CHP that they will not be covering my $20,000 hospital bill for the actual surgery because they did not receive and itemized bill.

September 2, 2 seconds later - On the phone with CHP asking how they got "itemized bills" for everything else except this bill (ironically, the biggest). They say call the hospital.

September 2, 2 seconds later - On the phone with BWH, who says they sent it. I tell them to send it again.

October 24 - After several more calls to CHP and BWH hearing that they "didn't get it"/"sent it," I finally receive notice from CHP that they will contribute to the bill. However, my co-pay will be $3,500.

November 2 - Receive bill from BWH for $3500 co-pay. At this time I am an unemployed college graduate with no income and nowhere near $3500. Funny side story, the air bag they wrapped around my legs and pump to inflate and deflate them to prevent blood clots cost $621.93. That's bordering on entrapment because they never gave me an option and if I knew something that simple cost so much I would have gotten up and walked around to prevent clots.

November 7 - Contact BWH and tell them I am poor, very very poor. They say they will send hardship papers I can file with the state. I hope they will actually send them given their spotty track record.

November 21 - Sent hardship papers to state.

(This space intentionally left blank for dramatic effect)

January 15 - In a true testament to state employees (sorry A-Town), they finally figure out that I have no job (except now I actually do) and really am poor and I finally receive a decision on my hardship papers. This decision is also supposedly cc'd to BWH. Anyways, the state determined that I only had to pay $665 and they would pick up the rest. How nice. However, in the 3 months I was waiting I recieve 3 more bills from BWH asking for $3,500. Each bill got BWH a call from me telling them to remove their heads from their asses and that I was waiting on my hardship papers.

January 16 - Mail BWH a check for $665 with a copy of the hardship decision from the state, hoping to never hear from them again.

February 12 - Receive bill from BWH for $2,900. In some sort of miracle involving the space time continuum, the bill shows that they received my check for $665 dated 1/16/09 or 1/1/09. I ignore this bill since they obviously, according to their own paperwork, got my check before the hardship papers.

March 2 - Receive a collection notice from BWH for $2,900 which also states they may take legal action if I don't pay. I laugh.

March 18 - Call the number on the collection notice and basically call everyone in the system a bunch of morons, and if they want their money sue the state, not me. They tell me to send a (nother) copy of my hardship papers to the Free Care Department. I say thank you in a very very sarcastic tone.

Hopefully not to be continued.

Kids Today Are Sissies

2009-03-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

A lot of things have changed since I was a kid growing up, unfortunately most of these changes are not good ones. Some of the points I'm about to talk about are quite apparent while others I read in news articles and thought to myself, are you fucking serious? The one thing they all have in common is that we are undoubtedly creating a generation of sissies.

Anyone from my generation will surely agree that TV in the 90's was the absolute best. Back when Nickelodeon had cartoons that didn't make you want to spoon your eyes out and 'cool' shows like Double Dare and Legends of the Hidden Temple. These shows were produced solely for fun and entertainment, not subliminally trying to teach your kid Spanish. I can remember that after watching shows like Guts, all I wanted to do was go outside and run around like the kids on the show. A show like this was better motivation than some lame cartoon that actually tries to get kids outside to exercise is today. The only evidence I need to show is that people still go online to download these old Nick shows, while there isn't quite as much demand to download episodes of Dora the illegal immigrant.

Parents today are afraid to discipline their child because the hippies have convinced us that disciplining a child is abuse. This leads kids to believe that they are tougher than they actually are, ultimately turning them into bigger sissies when push does come to shove. My dad went to Catholic school back in the day when ruler beatings from the nuns were the norm. One day he did something wrong and was locked in the closet by the nun. At the end of the day, the nun forgot he was in the closet and my dad ended up spending several additional hours in the closet before my grandmother called the school and he was found. Needless to say, my dad didn't do whatever he did again, and didn't come out of the situation all fucked up. If this happened today you would be reading about a multi-million dollar settlement and how the poor boy will never be the same. I was raised in a similar manner by my dad, I behaved because I didn't want aman twice my size kicking my ass if I fucked up, and if I did, I certainly didn't make the same mistake twice. Needless to say, I turned out alright. Not only should parents be allowed to openly discipline their kids physically, I believe a regular beating or two should be employed to keep the little fuckers in line and remind them who the boss is.

Recently there have been several stories in the news about teenagers who go to parties, get drunk and then wander off and die during the night. While one such incident could be written off as a tragedy or accident or whatever, this stupidy has occured repeatedly over the past few months. A little advice, if you are some high school lightweight/can't handle your liquor then don't drink. I can't imagine how much liquor it would take to convince me that wandering around the woods at 2am in a pair of short shorts and a tank top in the middle of December is a good idea, but it was obviously a quantifiable amount for girls in question; one of whom simply froze to death and the other who drowned in less than a foot of water. Some more advice, if your friends would let you just get up and leave in the middle of the night in December just wearing shorts and a tank top...find some new friends.

Now that we've established that I'm going to hell for stating what should have been obvious, let's move onto the next story. Another article I read was about how some Massachusetts lawmakers wanted to pass legislation requiring kids to wear helmets while sledding. This followed a rash of serious sledding related injuries and deaths and of course everyone's natural reaction is that it's not bad parenting but a problem that needs regulations to fix. Now when I was a kid I loved sledding and couldn't wait for it to snow. I would actually throw snow back in our driveway to cover bare spots so I could sled for that one extra day. Now I may not be the brightest bulb in the basket, nor was I ever, but even I had enough common sense to realize that if my sled was heading towards a tree/obstacle/other dumbass kid to either change direction or bail out. I didn't even have to be taught this by my parents so there is something seriously wrong with kids/parents today if kids are running into trees while sledding and getting hurt. Here's a simple 3 step process I came up with in 20 seconds to help the uninformed parents grasp sledding safety (mind you I don't have kids either, just a hint of common sense).

If your child is running into the objects listed above, let them know how seriously they could get hurt.
If they continue to wrecklessly crash into fixed objects, give 'em a good backhand across the face.
If they continue this wreckless behavior after step 2, you may want to have their IQ checked out. In the meantime, don't let little dipshit Johnny go sledding.

Like I said, I'm not a parent, but personally I'd rather have a living, pissed off, mildly retarded child than a dead happy one because I failed as a parent.

One of the commentors on the above article told a story about his childhood when sleds with the 2 metal runners were the norm. Many kids would get their fingers run over if they were not careful where they placed them while sledding. This didn't cause any serious damage but hurt like the dickens and they surely were more careful about their hand placement in the future.

What this basically boils down to today is that kids are a lot dumber now than they were when I was a kid (probably because of shitty cartoons) and/or parents are scared to upset their kids, but fail to take responsibility when their kid does something utterly stupid and people ask why didn't the kid know better. At some point and time parents will have to step up to the plate and take resposibility for thier little shitheads, instead of expecting the Massachusetts legislature to protect their kids for them. Guess what, it's not the fault of the schools, video games, the internet, the neighbors, the kids at school, etc. it's your fault so get off your ass and parent them.

One last piece of advice, if you're a single mom with six kids, don't fucking get pregnant again. I know you can't control how many kids you have in a birth, but a single mom who's already raising 6 shouldn't even have one more, nevermind accidentially getting 8. I know of 14 kids who will have mediocre lives at best because their mom was a welfare greedy moron. Unfortunately for mankind, everyone can reproduce and it's usually the people who shouldn't who do it the most.

A Mortar A Day Does Not Keep Israel Away

2009-02-15T04:59:00.000-08:00

Over the past few weeks I have learned that Palestinian militants have to be some of the dumbest people around. I mean, launching daily mortar attacks is a great way to bully someone into leaving. But just like any good bully movie, or any bully movie for that matter, the shit really hits the fan when the roles reverse and the people getting picked on come back and kick the bully's ass. That's when Israel went on a 2 week ass kicking campaign straight to the heart of sissy land. That's also about the same time the hippies got all up in arms about how war is bad.

Imagine living in a border town where a daily bombardment isn't a threat but a guarantee. Those people live a little "mini 9/11" every day and have been for years. Kids shouldn't have to worry about going outside to play soccer and getting blown up. Thankfully, there is still one country not afraid to stand up for itself and fight back these days.

They were up against a tough and heartless enemy that hid in schools and mosques and used civilians as human shields. This didn't stop Israel though from laying a massive ass kicking on them. Sure there was some collateral damage, but in the big picture I don't think it even comes close to living with daily mortar attacks for years on end. The media even made Israel out to be the bad guys, which really boggled my mind and proved just how soft people are these days. While I'm sure there were a few hippies protesting, there were no mainstream protests about carpet bombing, which was the norm during the first 2 world wars, which made no distinction between military and civilian targets. But now we can't even use a laser guided missile to bomb a mosque filled with RPG launching terrorists without the whole world crying foul. This is why were losing in Afghanistan, we let popular opinion make the calls. This is also why Israel won in Gaza, they told the hippies to fuck off.

After 2 weeks of fighting, and 13 days of terrorist ninnies begging for a cease fire, Israel agreed and withdrew it's troops on the simple condition that the cease fire truly be adhered to and the mortar attacks stop. Within 24 hours though, the dumb ass camel cowboy militants were back at it and why Israel didn't go back over there and destroy the entire sandbox of Gaza is beyond me. they did fight back though with missile attacks of their own, and once again were made out to be the bad guys.

To Israel and anyone with half a brain, this man is a terrorist and a dumbass.
To the rest of the world he is a poor, innocent civilian.

It really is too bad that in the 70 years since World War II, standing up to bullies has become such an unpopular thing to do. Especially when today's bullies have made it perfectly clear that the only way to stop them is to completely destroy them.

The Most Exciting Half Hour of My Life

2009-02-14T03:49:00.000-08:00

This morning was quite the exciting one, so much so that it was even too much to tweet about. It started on my drive into work. Being 6:00am on a Saturday, the Expressway was moving quite well when all of a sudden BAM, break lights everywhere. Apparently, somebody forgot to tie down their 8 foot aluminum ladder and left it in the first two lanes of the highway.

I arrive at work pretty early so I head down to Dunkin Donuts. I get a breakfast sandwich and a bottle of milk and am quite pissed when the total comes to $5.02. However, I quickly get over it when I assume the girl will be nice enough to forgive the 2 cents I owe and just give me $15 back. Hell no, dumb bitch counts out $14 and about 5 pounds of copper and silver and hands it to me. The cherry on top had to be that she wished me a nice day. FML.

So I sit down in the window to eat my sandwich and I'm looking out onto Kneeland St. watching the world go by. Then I notice some drunk/homeless guy doing the same thing I am, just he's standing in the middle of Kneeland St. doing it. Obviously he's a bigger fan of front row seats than I am. I watched him pace up and down the middle of the street for about 10 minutes as cars zipped by on either side of him.

During this time I had the pleasure of listening to all the other Chinese people yell at each other because apparently they only come in one volume, loud. While I'll admit that I do enjoy listening to other people speak a different language sometimes, Chinese comes in at about 2nd to last only to Spanish. When it's the 2 guys sitting next to you shouting, it sounds less like a language and more like some unintelligible grunts and moans with some laughing thrown in when the hit the punch line. FML

Then it's finally time to come to work and I'm graced with Jason's presence this morning. He's the annoying facilities guy who I've tweeted about before who tells lame jokes and stories (usually ones he's already told me before) and can't stand still while he's telling them cause he thinks they're so great. Of this morning's 20 minutes with Jason, I watched him make several laps of the lobby and I learned that it snows in New Hampshire and then explained where Rehoboth is, which I do about every other weekend every time he asks.

So that was the start of my Saturday. Stay tuned for my next entry, "A Mortar A Day Does Not Keep Israel Away," hopefully coming later this weekend.

Think Before You Speak/The Honeymoon is Over

2009-02-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

Two quick stories for you. I will start with the fact that Nancy Pelosi is a moron. A week ago she stated that for every month that the $xxx million stimulus package is not passed, 500 million people will lose their jobs. Unfortunately for us that puts the United States at 100% unemployment by Valentine's day, and the world (including child labor) completely out of work by Christmas. Luckily for us however, Nancy Pelosi is just a fucking idiot who just so happens to be 3rd in line to run this place. Do us a favor and think before you speak.

New numbers out today show that the honeymoon is over for Barack Obama. His approval rating is down from the mid 80's where it was at the time of his election to the mid 60's. I wonder if that has anything to do with the 4 criminals he tried to give high ranking government jobs. It bothers me that the IRS is more willing to go after the average middle class American who may have tried to hide a few hundred bucks rather than these high profile types who just plain old don't pay their taxes. That's like your teacher going after you for doing your homework wrong when the kid next to you didn't do it at all. If the government needs money it should look in the mirror and start collecting.

Shove it Microsoft

2009-02-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

So in case you didn't realize, the formatting of my previous post was a little screwed up. The reason for this is Microsoft Word. I wrote the previous post in word while at work one day on my laptop because I didn't have a wireless connection but wanted to write a new post. So this morning at work I finally have said wireless connection and copy and paste the whole post. To my surprise however, something got 'lost in translation' and totally fucked up the formatting. I've tried a few basic things to try and fix the different fonts and different line spacing of random paragraphs but that hasn't worked and I don't care enough to put anymore effort into it. If you don't like it, you can shove it too!

Love Snow, Hate Morons

2009-02-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

I know it’s been a while since my last post…been working a lot of extra shifts at the big boy job and obviously, and unfortunately, that takes time away from my writing. But luckily I’m back with the long awaited, highly anticipated, “Things That Piss Me off about Driving in the Snow, That Aren’t Snow.”

As I’m sure you’ve realized, this has been one heck of a winter in the snow department. I love the snow for many reasons; it’s pretty, it means I can go skiing, I can have snowball fights, etc. However, it also means that people who can’t drive on a normal day are up a creek without a paddle when it snows, and as luck would have it I’m usually stuck behind them. So while I could sum this entry up in two words, “shity drivers,” I will elaborate on said drivers for your comedic benefit.

The OMG I’m so scared right now driver.
By far the most prevalent during any snow storm, these people are characterized by excessively slow driving for the given road conditions, oftentimes making excessive use of their break pedals (which ironically enough would only facilitate a crash). These folks somehow come up with a reason to drive well below 50mph on a highway that is down to pavement or less than 20mph on secondary streets that have tire tracks down to pavement.

I was driving home from work on the afternoon that one of these storms was moving in. I had made it to within 20 minutes of my house when I first encountered light flurries. I was 10 minutes from my house when it finally began to accumulate, at least on the side of the road because traffic was blowing what snow landed on the road clear of the roadway. It was also at this point I came upon one of the aforementioned drivers who was so scared by the 0.5 millimeters of snow on the SIDE of the road that he felt 25mph was the maximum safe speed for the 40mph road we were on. Needless to say, I was no longer 10minutes from my home.

The person who lacks any skill anyways driver.
These are the people who suck at driving even on a bright sunny day, they are just more noticeable during a snowstorm. During another storm I was driving home on the highway around 11:30 at night. This time the snow had begun to accumulate considerably but we still had 2 tracks down to pavement in all 3 lanes. I was driving about 40- 45mph in the right lane, not the fastest car out there but not the slowest either. A car comes up and passes me in the 2^nd lane and then moves into the right lane. However, I soon catch up to him as he slows to 30mph for no reason. I then pass him again and resume my 40-45mph pace in the right lane. Once again, this idiot comes up and passes me in the 2^nd lane and moves back over to the right lane. This time instead of passing him, because the snow is getting pretty heavy, I suck it up and follow him for the last few highway miles of my trip. During these last few miles he drove anywhere between 25 and 55mph with nobody else around him and no change in road conditions to warrant such a range.

Announcements warning drivers to stay off the roads so the plows can do their jobs.
While these announcements make sense in theory to about 9 out of 10 people, they really aren’t all that true in reality. 11 times out of 10, it is the plows holding the drivers up. It’s the plows that are driving 20mph on the highway when traffic could be moving 40-50mph. It’s the plows that are driving 10mph on roads where traffic could be moving 20-30mph. While I agree that people who don’t need to be out during a storm shouldn’t, don’t tell me to stay home because I’ll interfere with plowing operations.

The weekend warrior’s pickup truck with yellow light.
While it is a great idea for every plow to have some sort of warning light to protect himself while working, you don’t need to drive everywhere with it on. When it snows, every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a plow and a yellow strobe light is out driving around in their pickup truck like they are some sort of badass. They don’t have the plow down, they aren’t dropping sand, they are just driving around with that damn light on. You don’t see cops driving around in blizzards with their strobes going 24/7, neither should you. And they wonder why so many private plows get hit while actually plowing; I know, its because you had the yellow light on, I thought you were driving not plowing.

The Rehoboth DPW.
I know, I know, we all think our town has the worst DPW especially when it snows. However, I’m quite sure you can’t top some of these accounts. This winter it became commonplace to find snowpacked roads in Rehoboth. It didn’t matter if it was the busiest road or some side street; they were all completely covered in packed snow. The best part was whenever you got to any town line they were all down to pavement, again regardless of how busy the street was. It’s as if the plows attached to each truck are for decretive purposes only. On several occasions I have seen trucks driving in 3 inches of snow with their plows up, dropping sand like it’s supposed to help.

Like I said, I love the snow but hate the idiocy that comes with it.

Obama Mania - Go Back To Work Hippy

2009-01-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I have a list of things a mile long I would like to blog about but just can't seem to find the time. The news has been filled with great stories and just when I think I'll be able to get around to writing about one a plane lands in the Hudson River or I have to drive to work in a blizzard with a bunch of people who shouldn't be driving on dry roads. I'm going to put all those on hold and start with the big one in this post. I'm sure you are all aware that today was an important day in history...it was the first time we celebrated the day after Martin Luther King day and effectively had a work week with 2 holidays.

While I am kidding, it did seem that way. Tufts was dead during the early afternoon as everyone seemed to take an extended lunch to watch history. While it is quite significant that we have our first black president, I think the hysteria is outweighing the significance. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to go and watch it in person but it's not a perfect world. If you wanted to watch the festivities on TV that's great, take the day off. Don't come in and pretend to work while you watch the party all afternoon. Working for Public Safety I can't just pretend to work while I secretly watch the inauguration. Imagine calling the police because you're getting mugged and the dispatcher tells you tough shit because all the officers are watching TV. At one point my facebook status was "I bet that the afternoon of Sept. 11, 2001 was more productive than this afternoon will be." and for a while at Tufts I truly believe that to be true, as horrible as you may think it sounds.

The other thing that bothers me about the inauguration is the amount of money spent on it. I have heard figures between 50 and 170 million dollars are being spent on what is essentially a big party. Again, I understand the historical significance of electing a black president, but given the current financial situation is it really necessary to spend that much money when it could be used on something that would benefit the people? Herbert Hoover didn't think so and canceled his inaugural ball in 1929 during the great depression. According to the government we are having a "financial crisis" and possibly on the verge of collapse. Circuit City is going out of business and eliminating 34,000 jobs and it's nearly impossible to find job as most companies are either in hiring freezes or laying off workers. Despite all this, officials are throwing the most expensive inaugural ball in history while Obama says he will fight elitism. Off to a good start.

But enough with bashing the government and on to using Obama as a good role model. It is a proud day for America as we swear in our first black president. Civil rights have come a long way since the 60's and what happened today would certainly make MLK proud. However, racism and stereotypes still run rampant in America. Tonight folks, I bring you an objective, in depth analysis of why racism is still around.

For those of you unfamiliar with Lil' Wayne, here is a picture of the winner in question.

Like the caption says, it's all about dignity. What Wayne lacks, Obama makes up for thousands of times over.Wearing clothing from a clothing company called BAPE, which is short for Bathing Ape, certainly is one way to overcome the stereotype that blacks are dirty, monkey like things. "Singing," I use the term loosely, about doing drugs, raping women, shooting enemies, and making excessive use of the "N" word is certainly a good way to disprove the stereotype that all blacks are criminals and 2nd class citizens, right? The unfortunate thing is that young urban kids look up to rappers like Wayne as a role model.

Some users on the website where I found the picture argued that he has the freedom to dress how he wants and that is what his grandparents fought for. While this is true, what that argument forgets about is that it all comes down to presentation. If you want to be taken seriously by society, you need to dress in a way that proves to society that you can put together an intelligent thought. This is true regardless of race. If I see a white girl walking down the street dressed like a hippy because it's trendy, I don't take her as serious as a white woman dressed in a business suit. The same is true about a black man dressed as a circus clown compared to one dressed intelligently like Barack Obama. It may not be fair to judge someone by the way they dress, you may be appalled by me coming out and saying this publicly, but you know it's true and we all do it. Sure that hippy chick might be a great person, but she needs to work harder to prove that to society and the same is true for breaking racial stereotypes. Unfortunately, while Barack Obama has made 2 steps forward, Lil' Wayne is taking one backwards.

Sorry to get all serious on you guys who look to this blog for entertainment. I promise there is good stuff coming including topics such as "What I hate about driving in the snow, and it's not the snow" as well as "The insecurities of head to toe Coach, and other fashion tips."

I Love/Hate Facebook

2009-01-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Like a lot of people, I wasn't a huge fan of the new Facebook layout. Despite my initial outlook, I eventually got used to it and began to like it. However, there are a few things about Facebook that no amount of time will be able to fix and will continue to piss me off until they get a clue. Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook as a whole. It gets me through my day at work, allows me to wish someone a happy birthday even though I've never met them in person, and even gives me free money to buy take out food. These are just some of the features that make me stop and think to myself "What were they thinking?"

The News Feed

Originally, the most controversial addition the the new Facebook, I'm sure most of you would feel lost without the "stalker feed" today. With our fast paced lives today, the News Feed offers us a quick summary of our friends actions since our last log on. One thing in particular boggles my mind though. When a friend uploads new photos, thumbnails of 5 photos from the album are shown on the News Feed, however, the first of the five pictures usually links to the last photo in the album.

Did they think that people like to look at the last photo of an before proceeding to the beginning of the album. That's like reading the last page of a book first and then starting from the beginning...it totally ruins the excitement.

People You May Know

May being the operative word. 11 times out of 10, I have no idea who any of the people are who appear in my People You May Know (PYMK) section. When I investigate further, I find that I typically have <5 friends in common with them, usually just 1 or 2 if any at all.

The part that really bothers me is that I have to actively look for people I do actually know and then find out we have 20, 30, 40 or more friends in common and they NEVER showed up in my PYMK section. Instead they just kept recycling the same few random ass people through hoping you may know them rather than the people you share 50 mutual friends with.

Friends Sub-Menu

I'm a huge fan of the many different ways the Friends list can be sorted. However, the new Facebook totally fucked up how to get to these different lists.

By hovering over "Friends" in the menu bar, you get the following choices:

By clicking on "Friends" in the menu bar, you go to your friends with recently updated statuses, and then have these options:

Status Updates (default)
Recently Updated
Phonebook
Everyone

It just seems like they arbitrarily placed links to the different Friends Lists in random places. Wouldn't it make more sense to have "Recently Added" where the "Phonebook" sort is when you are viewing your friends? The real no brainer would also be to include all the options listed above on the drop down menu, since that is what a drop down menu is for. In that case you would have one click access to any friends list you wanted.

The App Bar

They should call it the wasted space bar. This is one of the greatest additions to Facebook, giving you one click access to your favorite applications (Bumper Stickers, hello!?!?) What they don't do is allow you to add more than 2 shortcuts (in additions to the defaults) despite the huge amount of empty space on the bar.

I think the caption in the picture says it all and I have nothing more to say on this matter.

As I said before, I would be lost without Facebook. It's not perfect (never will be) but it's still leaps and bounds better, and classier, than myspace. It just bothers me that a multi-million dollar website like facebook can screw up things seemingly so simple as a sub-menu that doesn't really give you any content. What were they thinking?

Canada, Always on the Cutting Edge

2008-11-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

No sooner to I publish my previous post which concluded with Oreo cookies and weight problems, do I stumble across an article on msnbc.com describing how the Supreme Court of Canada had decided that people 'functionally disabled by obesity' are entitled to 2 seats while only paying the fare for 1 seat. While I'm no supreme court justice or anything, I see this decision opening the doors for a lot of questions:

Does this mean anyone can get 2 seats for the price of one (providing they don't share), just to avoid sitting next to someone?
What qualifies as 'obese'? (weight, waist size, complex math equation, etc.)
What if someone misses this qualification by 1 pound/inch/point/etc.?
What if the person is obese, but not functionally disabled.
What the fuck does functionally disabled even mean?
What about tall people? Airplanes functionally disable the shit out of us.

This is good news for the people who no longer have to sit next to a person who is overflowing from their seat. This is bad news for airlines. As if not making any money was bad enough, now they are losing more money "giving away" seats. This is bad news for obese people because it sends the message that being fat and lazy with no motivation to change is ok, the world will cater to you while you sit in 2 of our seats.

What happens if the flight is over booked? Will this lead to an increased bumping of obese people so the airline can sit 2 average people instead of 1 obese person. And since I'm tall, this ruling pretty much ensures they would have to give me 2 seats if I asked for them. Just because my 70" is verticle instead of horizontal doesn't give them the right to discriminate. I think I'm going to go for a flight in Canada, even if I don't get my 2 seats, I'll surely win my lawsuit.

Introducing the Mini-Blog

2008-11-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

As I go through life I come across a bunch of things that I would like to blog about but ultimately don't because I don't have a whole lot to say about them. I don't want to disappoint all my readers with short stories when they expect the typical, detail filled hilarity I usually write. This is why I have come up with what I call my "Mini-Blog." Actually, it's more like a multi-blog, but anyways, it's a collection of several of the short stories that aren't post worthy by themselves combined in one awesome post. So please, sit back, relax and enjoy my first ever Mini-Blog. Note, please do not eat or drink during the show, I wouldn't want you to spit that stuff on your computer when you start laughing.

In America, Farming Owns You

A few months ago, I noticed an interesting sign at the town line while returning home from Boston to pick up some stuff.

I soon found out that these signs were posted at the town line on any road coming in from another town. I'm glad to know that I live in a community that allows it's residents to farm if they so choose. It would be a real bummer to live in one of the oppressed surrounding communities where farming is apparently outlawed or is only a luxury for the upper class. It would suck even worse if they knew that anyone in Rehoboth was allowed to farm if they desired.

It's nice to know that while our school system begs for more money and doesn't get any, we can still afford a large number of these signs advertising how lucky our residents are compared to the suckers in the next town. I'm sure they didn't use our tax dollars to buy these signs, that would just be outrageous. I'd rather have them revoke my 1337th Amendment right to farm than have these ridiculous signs posted everywhere so that it's impossible to cut through Rehoboth without knowing how well we have it here.

Apparently My Uncle Plays in the AHL

This past Sunday I was able to attend the local Providence Bruins AHL game. Then I noticed my last name skating around the ice on the back of a jersey. Then I check the roster and his name is John and I'm like holy shit, that's my uncle (not really of course).

It gets better too! Not only does my uncle play in the AHL, but apparently he can fight too. As you can see on the gamesheet below, that's about all he can do. But I'm ok with that because apparently that's what he's good at cause he kicked that other guy's ass.

Click Africa, Press Delete

The other night I found out through the news that Somali pirates hijaced an Iranian supertanker in the Gulf of Aden. After a little research, I discovered that the U.S. does not plan on rescuing the tanker (serves those terrorists right), but seriously, I found out that these pirates are pretty damn good at what they do. This got me thinking and after 5 minutes of quick, biased research on wikipedia, I determined the world would be better off without Africa.

Africa is the 2nd most populous nation in the world, yet as far as I can tell contributes very little to the rest of the world, making them quite the freeloader. This may be OK in Barack Obama's eyes (and not just because I want to delete his homeland), but it's not OK in my eyes. To the best of my knowledge, some of Africa's biggest contributions have been: sand, AIDS, guys who win marathons like I could win the special olymics, civil war and government instability, Somali pirates and the Christian Children's Fund.

Even the video game Halo 3 suggests we would be better off without Africa. The Covenant (the bad alien guys) find an ancient artifact buried in Africa and the good guys have to destroy half the continent anyways to prevent them from destroying life in the galaxy.

With all these cons, I also came with a few pros....for getting rid of Africa. If we delete the continent we wouldn't have to worry about rising ocean levels for a long time, and would even make all our oceanfront states bigger. Also by getting rid of Africa, we would get rid of the forerunner artifact that the Covenant are after, thus saving us from a long hard war against alien infestation. So do your children a favor and delete Africa, you may not prevent an alien invasion but at least you'll get rid of those annoying commercials.

Serving Sizes and Teenage Anorexia

So I head downstairs the other night for a midnight snack and get myself some Double Stuf Oreos and a glass of milk. As I'm sitting there I look at the nutrition facts on the Oreos and discover the serving size is only 2 cookies. About to piss myself in disbelief, I look at the milk jug and find out a serving of milk is only 1 cup. Returning my attention to the Oreos, I realize I have destroyed one entire row of the 3 in the package. I relaxed for a moment as I was proud of my accomplishment but then realized I ate 6 servings of Oreos and 2 servings of Milk...for a midnight snack.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that skinny models in teenage magazines aren't the only problem facing young kids, serving sizes are just as big a factor. Telling little Suzie that she'll get because she eats 3 Oreos instead of 2 is bullshit. Kids who worry about their appearance look at stuff like this and think that because they eat more than "1 serving" they are over eaters. This is simply not true when packaging tells you that if you eat more than 2 Oreos you overeat.

Serving sizes have less to do now with the food pyramid and more to do with hiding the shit these companies put in their food and trying to make it appear healthy. "Oh this breakfast bar has less fat than that breakfast bar," oh but wait, the serving size is only 1/4 of the bar. You think I'm kidding, but I've actually seen english muffins with packaging stating a serving size of 1/2 a muffin. With serving sizes like this, you can finish your daily food pyramid at breakfast.

Crunching numbers isn't going to keep you healthy, it takes a little more work than that, and that work starts with e and ends with xercise. For the past 3 months I have sat around and played video games and/or surfed the net 5 days a week and then referee 1-2 hockey games a weekend. I eat crap like 6 servings of Oreos (42g or 66% of my "daily value" of fat) in one sitting for a MIDNIGHT SNACK, sit around doing "unhalethy" things and do minimal work on the weekends, but at my pre-employment physical yesterday I was told I have LOW blood pressure. Not like bad low, but like good, healthy, not a lazy drain on the economy low.

People are just looking for an excuse for their fat kids and would rather blame food and video games than look in the mirror and blame their bad parenting. Learn the word "no" and get your kid outside every once in while.

Acura: No Longer Just for the Pseudo Classy

2008-11-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

So driving home from Boston last night and I see this car that looks exactly like mine (Isuzu Trooper) but for some reason has the word Acura plastered all over it.

Fake Acura, Real Isuzu.

(Click for full hilarity)

Apparently this guy thought he was too classy to be driving an Isuzu Trooper and thought that by slapping some Acura logos on his car he could fool people. He had also bought what I can only assume were Acura hubs to replace the Isuzu hubs, most likely because they had the word Isuzu on them. I only wish I could have seen what he did to cover the "Isuzu"on the front grill. With all the money this guy spent on converting an Isuzu to and Acura, he could have gone out and bought an actual Acura.

If you're wondering what kind of idiot does this, it was your typical [insert stereotypical minority group of your choice here] living on food stamps and state assistance because his entire weekly McDonalds paycheck goes towards buying "dope 20's" and "mad subs," in addition to Acura decals and tire covers. Tools.

PETA: The Next Generation of Terrorists

2008-11-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

So yesterday in Massachusetts, along with deciding the next president of the United States, residents also voted on Question 3, whether or not to ban dog racing in the state by the year 2010 (I believe). At first glance, this question would have minimal impact seeing as there are only 2 dog racing tracks in Massachusetts, Wonderland Park in Revere and Raynham-Taunton Park in Raynham. However, once you stop and think about this question for about 2 seconds, you'll realize there is much more to this question. People work at these parks, people spend time and effort breeding and trainging these dogs, and these parks bring income to their surrounding neighborhoods and bussinesses. Here is a town by town breakdown of the results.

After reviewing the results it's easy to see that the towns the ban would affect voted no. (The darkest red town in the middle of each cluster is the town the dog tracks are located in) The towns that would remain unaffected by a ban, and thus didn't really have the right to affect someone's livelihood voted to ban dog racing in most cases.
Why? The hippies at PETA, that's why. These are the same people who think eating any sort of meat is a sin and would rather die of protein deficiency than eat another animal. They ran an aggressive ad campaign claiming that the dogs were treated poorly and that by voting Yes you would be "saving" them. Again, it comes down to location and who has the right to say what goes on in a region. Don't you think the people who live there and drive by these tracks and kennels everyday would have a better idea of what was going on there than some hippy from western Mass. who has never even been to the areas affected by this question. I do. PETA used pictures and video clips from other dog tracks to trick people into thinking that these 2 tracks are paramount to Hitler in the way they treat their dogs. What they didn't show was the adequately sized kennels or the special 'exercise kennels' which are hundreds of feet long and allow the dogs to run even when they are not racing. I know because I actually live near one of the tracks, have seen these facilities, and know people who will most likely be out of a job in a few years.

The racing at these 2 tracks is overseen by state agencies and is tightly regulated. 99.8% of the dogs that race finish their careers healthy and are adopted. That's a better percentage than horse racing right now. When is that question going to make it on the ballot in...oh say...Kentucky. This post made me hungry, I'm gonna go enjoy a nice, juicy cheeseburger made from slain cow while I still can.

Up to the Minute Election Bullshit!!!

2008-11-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

I hate this day as much as I hate holiday shopping. These are the 2 times that all the whack jobs are guaranteed to come out of the woodwork and make an appearance in society. I really wish they would just stay in their shanties and leave us all alone.

In my previous post, I wrote about uneducated and uninformed Americans voting without a care in the world about the issues. Then, while driving to vote, I hear a woman come on and say that she "will be relieved if Obama wins because she won't have to pay for gas anymore. I helped him out and now he's going to help me out." I'm sorry folks, I wish I was making this stuff up.

In line at my polling location and the hillbilly behind me is talking to his friend about who he's going to vote for. "I don't know if I'm going to vote for [John] Kerry. I don't even know who he's running against." Well, kid, you might want to decide before you hand your ballot in, after that I don't think you can change your mind...but I'm not sure.

I also heard that Pennsylvania member of the black panthers were out intimidating would be voters. While I don't condone the distribution of fliers to Jews stating that Obama is a Nazi, I'd prefer that to a gang of hoodlums itimidating voters so they can continue to collect their welfare checks. I guess they were just out trying to break stereotypes and better their race in this country. Well done. Update: Video Here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can't wait for tomorrow.

Update #1
According to msnbc.com, there are no murders, scandals, stock market or any other form of news today, just the election. They have taken a unique approach and have done away with all other news stories and have dedicated their site to election coverage. I wonder if there's a terrorist attack on American soil if they'll interrupt to report that.

Update #2
We can send people to the moon and run huge machines remotely, why the fuck can't we make a voting machine that works? As expected, voting machines have been shitting the bed all over the country. Leave it to Americans to make something seemingly so simple so complex.

Only One More Friggin Day

2008-11-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

The electoral college was originally instituted because American 'citizens' were deemed too uneducated to pick the president. Some people say we should do away with this age old system of voting because people are obviously much more educated...end we don't own slaves anymore either. I on the other hand say this election is nothing but proof why we should keep this method in place.

Never before have so many actual issues been overlooked and so many pseudo-issues been scrutinized. Gov. Palin has been in the news more than McCain and Obama combined. Why? She's only running as VP and this country has ignored real issues to make her and her lack of foreign policy experience the biggest issue this year. I say why does that lack of foreign policy experience matter, it's not like she will be making any of that policy as VP. Actually, it's not like McCain or Obama will be making any of that policy either, that's why they have advisors.

The other thing that scares me is all the support for Obama. While some of his supporters truly agree with his views, there are a lot out there who support him only because he's not McCain. These people aren't voting for Obama they are voting against McCain. If Adolph Hitler were running against McCain (just pretend he was a Democrat for a minute) in this election, I know he would get a scary amount of votes from people who are just voting against McCain. An election is supposed to be about the issues with people voting for the candidate who has the most similar view to theirs, not based on what party the candidate is, or isn't from.

Next stop, Facebook. I hate people who's status says "so and so can't fathom why anyone would vote for McCain." Really? You're pretty fucking stupid then because I can. Maybe, just maybe it's because they agree with McCain's position more than Obama's position. Maybe it's because they make more than 250k a year. Maybe it's because they don't want a 6 hour wait at the ER. Maybe it's because they're racist and don't like black people. I just came up with 4 reason in about 10 seconds, maybe you should get your head out of your ass, read the paragraph before this one and vote for the candidate you want, not against the candidate you don't want.

I also woke up this morning to find this new bullshit all over my newsfeed, "so and so just donated their status to get out the vote for Barack Obama on Nov 4. Donate your status: http://causes.com/election/66274?m=471f6971." No I will not donate my motha fucking status thank you very much. I have my opinions and a candidate I agree with on more issues than the other guy and I also have my head far enough out of my rectum to realize that:

Other people have their own beliefs and opinions and that's what makes this country great and I'm not going to tell them how to vote based on my own beliefs and opinions
Nobody gives a flying fuck about your Facebook status. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will realize you're not cool.
I'm awesome. See post here.

These days, you don't see commercials for a candidate anymore promoting their stance on an issue, you just see commercials bashing the other guy (which I'm ok with this election since one of them supports a terrorist). I then found this article, which opened my eyes to tactics I had never seen before, but now I assume that's because I live in a state that doesn't matter and will vote Democrat even if Hitler is their nominee. While it is a very pro-Obama article, I posted it because I actually am impartial and as the first & last paragraph subtly suggests, both sides do something of the sort. Here are a few of the highlights in my opinion:

"Complaints have surfaced in predominantly African-American neighborhoods of Philadelphia where fliers have circulated, warning voters they could be arrested at the polls if they had unpaid parking tickets or if they had criminal convictions."

So does that mean that the stereotype is true? That was like a well placed airstrike. BTW, I don't think convicts should be able to vote and applaud the Florida Govenor (I believe) who tried to pass a law preventing them from being able to vote in that state.

"...claiming they were harassed by a private investigator working for a Republican lawyer who came to their homes and threatened to call immigration authorities, even though they are U.S. citizens."He was questioning her status, saying that he needed to see her papers and documents to show that she was a U.S. citizen and was a legitimate voter," said Guadalupe Bojorquez, speaking on behalf of her mother, Dora Escobedo, a 67-year-old Albuquerque resident who speaks only Spanish."

A "citizen" who doesn't speak English? For a second there I thought I was living in America...guess not. Better get used to it if Obama wins...just saying.

"In 2006, automated phone calls in the final days leading to the federal election wrongly warned voters they would not be allowed to vote without a photo ID."

I wish it were that way. All you need to know is a name and address to vote in my town. Theoretically, I could grab the phone book and cast quite a few votes. A valid photo ID also proves that I live in this country legally and thus have the constitutional right to vote.

"...bogus fliers with an authentic-looking commonwealth seal said fears of high voter turnout had prompted election officials to hold two elections — one on Tuesday for Republicans and another on Wednesday for Democrats.

In Milwaukee, fliers went up advising people "if you've already voted in any election this year, you can't vote in the presidential election."

In Pennsylvania, a letter bearing what appeared to be the McCandless Township seal falsely proclaimed that in order to cut long voting lines, Republicans would cast ballots on Nov. 2 [2004] and Democrats would vote on Nov. 3 [2004]."

Remember my first paragraph about uneducated Americans and the electoral college. If you were dumb enough to fall for this shit your vote probably shouldn't count.

Lastly, election night covereage just pisses me off. Plain and simple. Every news station is rushing to be the first to who will win the election. They take over the air, bumping good shows, and the reporters just waste time cause they actually have nothing to talk about. It's a big race to be first regarding something that won't matter until January 20 of 2009. Even then, it's just speculation because according to my brother's absentee ballot, ballots from overseas must be received no later than 10 days after election day. So while they might have an idea who has "won" the election that night and will waste several hours of your night saying so, they really don't know for certain. I really hope some big station is first and wrong so they can fire all their reporters, it's time for a change of scenery anyways.

No issue should be looked at as black and white, but that's how this election is turning out (and it's not cause he's black and that other guy is white). I identify with the Republicans and their general view of working hard to support yourself and your family as opposed to the Democratic view of free hand-outs for the lazy, sponsored by those who work. That doesn't mean I agree with the crazy anti-abortion people outside the Planned Parenthood in the next town over everyday with their signs and pictures of aborted fetuses and such (which are kinda cool btw, horror movie directors should come take some notes so they stop putting lame, almost comical "scary creatures" in movies.

Bank of America is "Conformist"

2008-11-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

So being the lucky person I am, I was privileged enough to overhear another amazing conversation on the T today. I had just left the movie theater after watching "Zach and Miri Make a Porno" (don't get me started on how the liberal tv stations won't even advertise this movie), when I saw 2 "winners" get on my train at Prudential and proceed to stand nearby.

As soon as they got on the train, I knew they were freshmen. One was wearing a Wentworth hoodie so I knew they were in college and the rest I deduced by their lack of fashion sense and the typical "I think I'm cooler than I really am" longish, emoish haircut (or lack there of).

Kid #1, the obvious bigger douche of the pair, starts talking about how he needs to find an Eastern Bank for whatever reason (probably to go buy some pot and vote yes on question 2) and is complaining about how "it will cost him 6 bucks just to get there." Here's some free advice, if you come from a small, middle of nowhere town and plan on going away to college, get a real bank account with a real bank, not your little Hometown Trust with it's 2 branch locations.

I'm assuming his astute buddy brings up the fact that he should use a bigger bank, possibly Bank of America. Douche #1 comes back with "I would use Bank of America, but it's too conformist." This immediatly sets off my bullshit detector and I want to walk over, slap him in the face and cut his girly looking hair. If Bank of America is too conformist for you and would embarrass you if your emo buddies found out you used it, DON'T FUCKING COMPLAIN YOUR SHITTY BANK IS 45 MINUTES AWAY!!!!

Personally, I use Sovereign Bank, but I'm also a fan of Citizens Bank. Both are big enough to have more than a few locations but aren't so big that they become conformist and start to take away from my emo points. If you don't like either of those banks, you could always go with Washington Mutual, I don't think they're too conformist these days.

Why I'm Awesome

2008-11-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

I just played COD4 online for the first time in months, like literally 3 months. I forgot what half the buttons did, but I'm so awesome I still kicked ass and came in 1st place in my third free for all match. That's why I'm awesome!

I Hope You Sleep Well Tonight

2008-10-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the (mis)fortune of working some games at a Under 18 tournament in Andover. The only good thing about this is that they are better than the Under 16's and that's it. They have bigger attitudes, think their "you suck" insults are original, and with reinforcement from their parents, they all believe they are going to the NHL. Now I try to keep an open mind and avoid stereotypes, but the worst as far as parents and fans goes have to be the teams from New York and here's why.

Sunday evening I found myself as one of the linesmen for the Under 18, Tier I championship game at this tournament. There was a team from New York playing a team from....well I don't even remember because their parents and fans acted in a "normal" manner and don't really stick out in my mind. The game starts and the team from New York is getting owned for the entire 1st period and end the period down 2-0 to the mystery team. Now to keep this story short, New York some how defies the odds and works back to tie the game at 4 at the end of the third and keeps it that way through overtime. We go to a 3 man shoot out and New York is down 2-1 with their last shooter up. He's skating down, chokes and loses the puck, not even getting a shot off, game over, mystery team wins.

So as we're getting off the ice and heading to the locker room (mind you this ain't the pros) there is a parent waiting by the gate for us. "I hope you guys can sleep well tonight," he says to us. We just laugh to ourselves, asking if this guy is serious. Not getting the reaction he was hoping for, he continues to go on and on about how we rigged the shootout and was just about boning the New York team the whole game and how he should have expected that, this being Massachusetts and all. Just before we head down the hallway to our locker room, another parent chimes in from the distance, pretty much reiterating what the first idiot said. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the youth hockey circuit, these types of parents are fairly common and fall into 2 typical groups which I will explain.

Idiot #1 is the hard core hockey parent who thinks his kid is going somewhere. When his team wins it was because of his kid, when they lose it is usually because of a combination of the other kids on the team and the officials boning them, not the fact that their team had a shitty first period and was lucky to even get to OT nevermind the shoot out. They are the type that will meet you at the gate and tell you that it is our fault they lost and that we really screwed them out there, disregarding the fact that nobody outside of this tournament even knows/cares about this tournament. It's not like I was on the phone with my bookie on the way into the rink telling him to give me $100 on the mystery team cause I'm really gonna bone the New York team tonight. I didn't even know who was playing till I stepped on the ice and even then didn't know they were from New York till this dufus chimed in since their jerseys made no reference to New York.

Idiot #2 is part of a much more rare group. He is the guy who says he's all about sportsmanship and is disgusted by guys like Idiot #1. What he doesn't realize is that he is exactly like Idiot #1 and just because you are 15 feet away instead of at the gate when you add your $.02 in a loud talk/soft yell which was obviously meant to be overheard. This is the guy who thinks he's tough and pretends like he is but if we turned and took one step towards him after his comment he'd piss his pants cause he'd know he was screwed. This is also the guy who turns and looks to his friends after we kept walking and most likely said something to the effect of, "See, they knew I was right."

Like I said, I don't like to play into stereotypes, but these New Yorkers just keep walking into it. They're not the first to say they expected to get boned by the referees in Massachusetts. If that's the case, don't pay thousands of dollars to come play in a tournament in Massachusetts if you know you're going to get boned.

"I hope you sleep well tonight." Here are the 2 things we wished we could have said.

"I will, I need to stay up late tomorrow to watch the Sox play. How are the Yankees doing again?"

"The funny thing is, I have another game to work and I'll still be in bed before you. Enjoy the trip and thanks for flying Black and White Airlines."

Rest Stops & Hobo-Stab Insurance

2008-09-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I had been away on vacation. My next post takes place on my drive to Vermont to join my family who were already in Vermont. Just after crossing the border I decided it was a good time to stop and use the restroom and the Vermont welcome center was coming up. Now, rest areas are sketchy enough because most of us don't carry hobo-stab insurance and going to the bathroom in one is even sketchier, but what I encountered next was the sketchiest thing imaginable.

That's right, the mysterious, creepy, ever present red eye of doom. He's always there, watching you pee, shit, wash and dry. For 30 seconds it's like you're trapped in a scene from a horror movie (a bad one at that). OK, all kiding aside, I'm not in the movie Waiting and I have no problem with the mysterious red eye, well except when he falls asleep after doing some serious damage to the toilet. In fact, it really is a great invention and helps improve people's sanitation. He flushes for you, turns on the sink for you and even gives you paper towels (Quiet hippy, we all know the blower sucks and is just a waste of time and room temperature air). Somebody should get this guy and award.

Now if only someone could invent a magic eye to open the door for me so I don't negate all this touch free sanitation.

I Hate Election Years

2008-09-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post but I've been away on vacation and getting my post-graduate affairs in order so deal with it. I have a number of things I want to post and just need the motivation to sit down and actually do it. However, given the time of year, this post got pushed to the top of the list so here it is, why I hate election years.

While an election campaign should be like a really big job interview, we all know they turn out to be a contest with the winner being whomever wasn't the first to do hardcore drugs. This would typically make Obama the loser but then again you don't really hear about these things since the media tends to lean to the left. Or, those same news agencies, like CBS for example, who refer to his cocaine use as curious experimentation and that most college kids do so. Let me assure you as a recent college graduate and an RA in a freshman hall for 2 years, most curious college kids do not experiment with cocaine.

However, another thing that is really pissing me off this year is all the bandwagon Democrats this year. Just like kids think its cool and trendy to be a Red Sox or Yankee fan in your respective city, it seems like young people think it cool and trendy to be a Democrat these days. Whether you're just anti-Bush or anti-war, or anti-anything, everyone seems to be flocking to that bandwagon. This bothers me because being anti-Bush doesn't mean you need to be pro-Obama. I am a perfect example, I think Bush is a complete idiot who lacks basic speech skills, but there is no way in hell I'm voting for someone who hangs out with people who support terroism and communism.

Now let me swith my aim to the otherside for a minute. I found this article and thought to myself that the McCain camp is making a huge deal out of nothing and is really doing nothing to convince people that not all Republicans are as dumb as Bush. The article pretty much states that the McCain camp is upset at SNL and Tina Fey for their "sexist" impersonation of Sarah Palin and also with the show The View for an interview they did with the McCains.

Firts off, being impersonated on SNL by someone who isn't even part of the show any more should be an honor. Secondly, after watching the skit, I would be more offend if I were Clinton. Third, as far as making fun of her credentials, it's no different that a political cartoon in the paper, except people actually watch SNL. Fourth, SNL pokes fun at everyone. And lastly, the real Sarah Palin actually found it funny. Know why? Because she TOOK IT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, A SNL SKIT!!!! Give it a break you old fart.

Next, they talk about how the McCain's feel they were "picked clean" by the ladies of the view. Of fucking course you were, they're a bunch of old Democrats who are jealous of your VPILF. I hope you as a Republican presidential candidate didn't expect some easy questions when you were going on a talk show obviously hosted by a bunch of crotchedy old Democrats. Maybe all Republicans are as dumb as Bush. Anyways, if I were McCain I wouldn't draw extra attention to it anyways, nobody who watches The View would ever vote Republican anyways.

America needs a change, and I don't mean Obama's change, I mean a political change. Every 4 years 2 old idiots with skeletons in their closets spend millions and millions of dollars to find each other's skeletons and broadcast them to the nation. What people don't see through al this flying shit is that their are other candidates out there like Bob Barr who instead of taking a left or right view of things, actually use COMMON SENSE when addressing the issues. He doesn't have to make decisions to make his party happy, he can apply common sense and find a middle groud on hard topics like abortion where the 2 main parties take stances on very opposite ends of the spectrum. Unfortunately, people like Bob Barr don't have the option of WASTING enough money to cure cancer on a presidential campaign.

So come November 4th, use common sense and vote for Bob Barr. He's intelligent and not a drug addict and if you live in Massachusetts like me, don't be naive, you know Obama will win the state anyways.

The Day Has Come

2008-08-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would see the day when everyday life resembled that of bad futuristic movies where vending machines litter the world and sell anything and everything you could ever need. This weekend however, I discovered the bad future is closer than I thought.

I was in Marlboro, MA to referee at a large Labor Day weekend hockey tournament. I had some time to kill between games and went to the nearby mall to grab a bite to eat and waste some time walking around. As I was walking around, I was hit in the face with this feeling like I was in one of the aforementioned movies.

The first step of replacing the salesman with a vending machine has been taken. That's right, a Proactiv Solutions vending machine was just chilling there in the mall next to the gumball machine cart. Whether you were looking for the 5-Piece Deluxe System, the 3-Piece 30 Day Trial, or just an individual product, this one stop shop had them all with the added benefit of no pesky salesperson (I think the TV on the top left was supposed to be playing annoying commercials with fake celebrity testimonials, but that technology is apparently still being researched). If you were worried about coming up with enough crisp 20 dollar bills to make your purchase, have no fear, this monster accepts any major credit card to facilitate your loss of money.

This is your future kids, embrace it. Just make sure to wipe the oil marks off the glass when you are done embracing it.

Dingy Bars, Not Just For Dirty People Anymore

2008-08-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

No sooner to I post about the North End than do I go to a small pub for steak tip dinner Monday and see Birkenstock Man in all his glory.
My party and I a just chatting and enjoying a drink at our local bar and this guy walks in. It's not a dirty, disgusting bar, but it is a hole in the wall that definitely caters more to college kids. We all stop and stare as this guy walks in with his Wall Street Journal ans suspenders, hangs his jacket on the back of the stool and takes his seat revealing his Birkenstocks.

For those of you who don't know, Birkenstocks were a trend that never really caught on (thank God) and are pretty much the ugliest hippy clogs you could imagine. They looked horrible on girls with barefeet and obviously looked even more ridiculous on this guy with his socks. I was at a loss for words, I didn't know whether to ask him first, whether he was lost or if he knew how stupid he looked. Luckily we were just about done with our dinner and were able to escape without too much distraction from the awkward vibe coming from the bar.

So for those of you who may be wondering how to dress properly, here are a few tips from a favorite website of mine. I think you'll enjoy it.

Fucking Venezuelans

2008-08-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

Update to the story below: Just the other day, as if to make a bigger, longer lasting impression on the Wentworth community, the Venezuelans living on the 1st floor decided to start another fire in their room in order to evacuate the building. Once again, it was the same room and the same shitty cooking. Like I said before, making a mistake is ok, making the same dumbass mistake again makes you a dumbass worthy of ridicule. Somebody please get Venezuela the Food Network.

The North End, No Longer Just For Classy People.

2008-08-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, it has been quite sometime since my last post, but I promise I have a good excuse...I just finished college. The last couple of weeks were spent working late and putting the finishing touches on projects and studying for those last finals ever. I'm glad to say all that hard work has paid off and I will be graduating in 1 short week. However, despite all this joy, stepping outside the dorms reveals that the embarrassing state of society still exists.

Actually I lied, the crazies have infiltrated our dorm and currently reside on the first floor. A group of graduates from Venezuela are being hosted on the first floor of our building. Nobody really knows why they have been here for the better part of a month and a half but they sure do know how to make an impression. I've noticed that they all take the elevator from the 1st (main) floor down to the basement as if they have never see a flight of stairs before. Another morning I was awaken by a fire alarm. Turns out the Venezuelans managed to start a grease fire in their oven and tried to put it out with water. Fires happen and most people understand that and won't make fun of you for having a small fire in a dorm. It happens and people move on. However, when you're dumb enough to throw water on a grease fire, that's when people start to look at you like an idiot. On th bright side however, given their lack of trust in stairwells, it was a good thing they were living on the first floor or else who know what would have happened.

Now on to the title story. While my girlfriend was in town to visit we decided to go on a double date with her friend and my suitemate. We all agreed that a nice dinner in the North End at some nice Italian place would be a good idea. We picked out a cute little restaurant and wait to be seated. We were quickly seated at a table for 4 literally 6 inches from the table next to us. A was a little pissed off because I didn't realize we suddenly decided to go on a triple date, but I wasn't too concerned because they seemed well dressed and intelligent, unlike the group seated 12 inches on the other side of our table. That group consisted of 2 dads and 3 kids dressed in shorts and t shirts. It wasn't long before the kids realized that the cloth napkins could be tied around the face similar to a bank robber from a bad western. Parents, please control your kids and don't let them run around in a restaurant that is a little more classy than Applebees.

Now back to our triple date. While waiting for our food to arrive, my girlfriend nudges me and draws my attention to the woman at the table next to us. My gaze is immediately drawn to her boobs...and not because they were hanging out or anything. I'm looking at this big red spot of pasta sauce just chilling there on her cleavage. I do a double take and it's still there. I rub my eyes and look again and sure enough, this lady has pasta sauce on her tits and not just a drop or two, but some serious coverage. My girlfriend then tells me that it has been there for a few minutes and that she waited before telling me to see if 1. it was actually past sauce and 2. if she would wipe it off. Due to the proximity, I can't tell my suitemate who is sitting across from me of the situation so being the nerd I am, I pull out my cell phone and text him. While I have my phone out, I just had to take a picture. Now mind you, it's a dark restaurant and I'm using a camera phone while pretending to "make a call." Here is the result.

Before

After

So the picture didn't come out so great, but I used my artistic skills to give you an idea of the view. And FYI, I blacked out the gf's friend's face, just in case she didn't want to be featured in my latest blog entry.

So now I'm hooked, I keep looking over to see how long before saucetits figures it out. To my surprise, another 5-10 minutes goes by and then our food shows up so I was distracted but still noticed that the sauce was there for at least another 10 minutes. I never saw her wipe it off but noticed one time while checking on her status that the sauce was gone but very noticeable rash or very minor burn was left on her chest.

Now I'm no girl and I have heard from girls that it can hard to feel some things on your boobs, but I think if I had warm pasta sauce on my cleavage, I'd notice it a little sooner than 20 minutes later, or at least expect my boyfriend sitting across from me to tell me. Apparently, the North End isn't as classy as it used to be.

Introducing Ghetto Airlines

2008-07-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

Things have been a little hectic around here being the last week of classes and all, but this story must be told. Last week our school housed a group of Romanians in one of our residence halls who were in town for a conference. Now, hosting guest for any conference usually has a few small problems that need to be dealt with, but are really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Apparently, Romanians like to be different.

Check in was on Sunday from 10-10 which I was fortunate enough to not have to work. However, I would be the conference assistant on call that night which means I get a snazzy cell phone that the guests can call with any problems they may have. I was made aware a few days earlier that a group of Romanians would not be arriving until 2am. As much as this sucks, I sucked it up and stayed up until 2am, but no phone call. Eventually 2:30 rolls around and I decide to go to bed. I later found out that their flight was canceled and that I basically stayed up until 2:30 for no reason.

I wasn't on call again until Tuesday night, and while picking up the phone from my coworker Kristi, I found out that even after everyone settled in, there were still quite a few calls from the Romanians. Being the optimist I am, I assume things will quiet down on their 2nd night. In case you didn't figure it out from my previous posts, I'm not that lucky. Here is a short summary of the issues I had to deal with:

A gentleman who actually spoke decent English checked in, then immediately checked out when he found out he would have a roommate.
A woman who called stating that her ID card would not open her door. Upon arrival I discovered she was trying to access room 114 with the ID for room 104.
The same woman was convinced she also left her luggage in the check in room, despite bringing it with her to her own room more than an hour earlier.
A group of two women called me to see if the AC in their unit could be turned down. The thermostat was set at 70 and they each had 2 blankets each, but it was still too cold, I didn't realize that Romania was located on the equator.

The final incident, and inspiration for the title of this post came from 2 separate guests asking to stay an extra night or two because their flight was canceled. Apparently, the only airline flying in or out of Romania is Ghetto Airlines, with one hell of a cancellation rate.

Why Me?

2008-07-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

Less than a week after my magical bus trip back from New Jersey, I realized that I must have some sort of aura that attracts ugly and annoying people to me. As a senior in college with a week of classes left, nobody hates a night class more than I do. So I am sitting in my Thursday night class waiting for everyone to return from our mid class break. In walk the 2 kids sitting next to me who pissed me off before the class even began talking about some other class and how their own laziness got them bad grades, but I quickly distracted myself with some silly game on my laptop. Back to the story, so they walk in and I realize that they are two not very good looking people and that starts to annoy me and I'll tell you why.

Kid number one is the typical, "I'm so awesome" kind of kid. You can tell by the way he acts he thinks he's better than everyone around him and is so "cool" and "badass." He has the sideways "Polo" hat sitting loosely on top of his head. The kicker is, he doesn't need to do this to draw extra attention to himself, his nose can do that single handedly. I could use some over-rated big nose joke here, but it's not necessary, just trust me when I say it's big.

Dufus number two, is the typical "I'm trying to fit in, but I just don't" kind of kid. He sits next to kid number one and talks to kid number one so that others will think that he is "cool" or "badass" similar to kid number one. However, little does he know that seeing them sitting together looks like night and day. Kid number two just doesn't fit in with his polo shirt and hat fastened securely to his head.

Now back to kid number one, cause he's the one who really pisses me off. Just thinking about how awesome he thinks he is pisses me off enough because his ugliness negates any coolness he may have, but he decided to come back from break with a bag of doritios and piss me off even more. On a side note though, he came back huffing and puffing like he just ran a marathon, despite the vending machine's close proximity. My advice, spend more time at the gym and less in front of the mirror adjusting the angle of your hat. He opens the bag and every bite is a loud crunch crunch crunch. I realize doritos are crunchy, but this kid finds a way to make them even louder, as if he wants more attention drawn to him. Now, even though the bag is full of chips, kid number one finds it necessary to "attack" the bag in order to obtain his next victim. I've heard bar fights that are quieter than this kid trying to find a chip in a bag full of chips. Finally he finishes the bag of chips which seemed to last forever, but the fun doesn't end there. In case kid number one were to run into a girl on the way home after class, he finds it necessary to clean his teeth with his tongue and a variety of sucking and smacking noises...for the next 10 minutes.

WTF did I do? Do I have a sign on my back that says come annoy me? All I want to do is graduate but all I seem to find is annoying people with questionable hygiene and distorted facial features.

My Guide to Not Being "That Guy"

2008-07-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take a trip to New Jersey this weekend to visit the girlfriend. Being a poor and lazy college student, I decided to take the bus to New York and then a local commuter train to her house. The 4 hour bus ride from Boston and subsequent 1 hour train ride were completely uneventful. Even my 1 hour train ride to New York earlier today to start my return trip was quiet and relaxing. However, before I even boarded the bus for the ride back, I knew I was fucked.

While waiting for the bus to arrive, I noticed a lot of girls walking around dressed like they were supermodels. In reality however, they ranged from not so good looking to ugly. I'll admit that I'm not that great looking either, but I admit it and dress appropriately. Just because you live in a trendy city like New York and wear "trendy clothes" does not make you lookood. This got me a little bit upset but little did I know it would be a precursor to the rest of my trip.

BoltBus has a fairly simple ticket and boarding system, or so I thought. All tickets have a group on them (A, B, or C) and you board the bus by group.
So the bus rolls up and the driver gets out and after opening the luggage bays asks for anyone with a group A ticket. Chaos ensues. People with group B and C tickets look utterly confused like someone just said the sky is falling. I try to make my way through the group of lost souls and am practically pushed out of the way by a woman who beats me to the driver. Her next words almost resulted in my foot up her ass. She says, "But my ticket says C." Get out of my way woman, and do the world a favor and don't reproduce.

I can see my return trip heading downhill but I had no idea how fast it really would deteriorate. Being tall, I typically sit in the seat at the very back of the bus that is essentially in the aisle. This gives me plenty of leg room but unfortunately increases my odds of sitting with a loser since their are 3 seats in this row instead of the typical 2. My first row mate seems like a nice down to earth guy and takes the window seat. I soon learn that the increased odds have kicked me in the ass when your stereotypical looking nerd sits next to me. This one person out of the 50 others on the bus was the straw that broke the camel's back and made me write this post.

The first thing I noticed was his lack of use of the overhead luggage rack. Instead, he decides its ok to sit between two strangers and store his backpack between his legs, thus spreading his legs into my personal space as well as window seat man's personal space, as if thinking that being the last one on the bus entitles you to the most space. Guess what, it doesn't.

Soon after the bus leaves, legroom whore is out like....like....well like something that's seriously out. Better yet, he's snoring. If you want people to treat you with any sort of respect, do not ride a bus like this.

So while sitting next to sleeping beauty, I notice this gem a few rows up.

While not directly effecting the quality of my ride, I begin to wonder if the gentleman on the right asked to examine that girl's foot because it sure looks like he did. We all know how nasty feet in flip flops look after waling around a city, nevermind a dirty one like NYC, so I'm at a loss when I try to figure out where this girl got the idea that the whole back half of the bus as well as the gentleman next to her wanted to see her nasty ass feet.

So that's my guide on how not to be "that guy" when you are traveling somewhere with a bunch of strangers. The sad part is, I'm not even half way there.

Update from later that night: I made it home with minimal footsies from sleeping beauty. However, the highlight of my night came once I was back in the Bean and on the T heading home. We're at the Boylston stop and a bunch of lost looking teenagers get on the train. Next, I notice their Northeastern University orientation name tags displayed proudly around their necks like a sign saying "I have money, I have money!" While I did have my ipod in trying to relax on my ride home after a long day of travel, I did manage to catch part of a comment by one of the orientees, Jamie.

This girl was the typical cute blonde girl who looks like she's never worked a day in her life, unless you count mooching money off of daddy work. She's having some sort of conversation about the train and then lets out a masterpiece when she asks "Do they [the T operator] have to steer?"

Now for those of you who have been living under a rock your entire lives and don't understand what is so funny about that, you do not have to steer the green line, nor the red, orange or blue lines for that matter. As a matter of fact you don't need to steer any railed vehicle. I'm not sure what's funnier though, young Jamie's question or the fact that her dad will be spending $50,000 a year for at least the next 4 years so little Jamie can attend Northeastern and learn that you don't need to steer a train.